40 Weeks

Due date was yesterday! Little goose needs to come on and get here ;) 

Cravings: Nothing, I've actually had less of an appetite this last week. 

Symptoms: Contractions and baby is super low!  

Complaints: Yeah, this baby isn't here yet! Hehe! I've never actually made it to my due date before, much less past it. So, this whole 'over due' thing is new to me :) 

Weight gain: About 6-7lbs

Movement: Of course! 

Doctor appointment results: About 50% effaced, 2 cm, and babies head is 'right there'... and also, that he is very, very happy :)  

Mood:  Impatient, tired, kind of overwhelmed. 

Planning: To have this baby by Wednesday! My next appointment is on Wednesday, and if I don't have him by then, I know I'm going to face the induction talk. And I'm just not sure how I feel about that. I don't want it done, I know it creates more risks. But I guess I don't know how much more of a risk there is going really far over with having two previous c-sections. They say the further you go, the more risk there is, but I don't know the facts or numbers behind it... I just never thought I would go over by much, if I did at all since my other two kids came early, so I never read up much on it. So, I would like him just to come, so I don't have to face that choice :) 

Dreams: I had a dream last night that I had my brown hair back... and now, I kinda want to dye it! 

Baby Size: About the size of a jack fruit... whatever that is ;)   

Other events of the week: Waiting for baby! 

39 Weeks

Due in 6 days!!!!

Cravings: Bananas 

Symptoms: Lots and lots of contractions... INTENSE contractions! I only timed them once, for three hours they were 10 minutes apart. Then I went to bed, and then woke up in the middle of the night for two more hours of just crampy-ness. It wasn't really contractions, just I felt like I was having a horrible period for two straight hours. 

Complaints: Is this baby ever going to come? ;) My SI joint also has been locking up on the left side HORRIBLY since yesterday afternoon, OW!!!! I couldn't hardly walk a good hour yesterday it was locked up so badly. I had to use heat and sitting on my birthing ball to try to get it to release, which worked well enough I guess. 

Weight gain: Same as last week, about 5lbs. How? I'm not quite sure! Well, I have a pretty good idea behind it, but you don't want me to go into my life long story of trying to figure out why I couldn't loose weight and always being bigger, to finally figuring it out at the beginning of pregnancy, and it being a rather odd reason, ect ect. And, by just avoiding a couple of things, my body doesn't want to gain any pregnancy weight... even though I kinda eat like crap at this point ;)

Movement: Of course, but only a fraction  of what it used to be. He has calmed down a lot, and when he does move it's more felt down yonder, where it is far more uncomfortable. 

Doctor appointment results: Baby is doing good, cervix is a bit more dilated, though not a lot, like between a 1-2cm (usually I don't have them check me, but I've been doing some research on how to check how far dilated you are, without doing the internal exam, so I want to see how accurate I am... and thus far, I've been pretty on!) and thinning. 

Mood:  Impatient. Is the baby here yet? 

Planning: To go into labor today. And if that doesn't happen, to go into labor tomorrow. And we'll just keep sticking to that plan every day until he gets here :) I tried acupressure points twice. Once I knew it wasn't going to put me into labor, maybe just give me contractions, and it did, lots of them. And then I tried it again this morning, which I have had more contractions today then normal and they are pretty intense, but two things: one, it can take 24 hours to work fully and two, it's not going to fully work unless your body is ready and 'ripe'. And although I want my body to be ready and ripe, I'm not so sure that it is... so if it doesn't work today, I wouldn't be surprised... but I want it too! Any contraction is good though, right? I mean, they all work towards the end goal :) 

Dreams: Dreams about labor... and there was a really funny one the other night that had nothing to do with labor, but I can't remember what it was. 

Baby Size: About the size of a watermelon or pumpkin.  

Other events of the week: Waiting for baby! 

38 Weeks

Cravings: Hmm.. The only thing that I can think of that I 'craved' this week was caramel. I've never boughten a bag of Wether Original Chewy Caramels before.... but I did this week. And let me tell you, they were sooooo GOOOOOD!!!!!! 

Symptoms: Nesting :) My house is slowly getting clean, yay!!!!

Complaints: Pain in all sorts of places we just don't want to talk about ;) And, I officially waddle :(

Weight gain: Same as last week, about 5lbs. 

Movement: Yes, though it's kind of slowed down quite a bit. He hardly moved yesterday, and today he has also been calmer. 

Doctor appointment results: Same as last week, baby is doing well and all the numbers are still the same, which I'm ok with because I know it doesn't really matter :) Though, I did leave the doctors office crying, but we'll get to that. 

Mood:  TIRED! We all seem to be coming down with another cold. The kids have had it for a little while and are getting better, but Josh and I seem to just be getting it and I'm not very thrilled about that. He snored all night last night from the cold, so I didn't get any sleep and then woke up with a sore throat. Now my sinuses are starting to feel worse, and I can feel it more and more in my throat. I really REALLY don't want to be sick when I go into labor! 

Planning: So, after today, I have to wrap my head around a few things, and it's hard. First of all, yes, I am attempting a VBAC. Secondly, I know that a c-section is still possible, even though it's not what I want, I know that there is that chance. So, going into the final trimester, the only thing that gave me peace about labor and possibly having a c-section, is that I was told that, now, unlike when I had my other two kids, they keep the baby with the mother the entire time after surgery instead of separating the two. 

Well today, I was told differently. I found out that they only do this IF they have enough staff on hand, and you won't know if they will have enough staff on hand until the time comes. If they don't have enough staff, they will still take your baby away from you after birth for however long it takes them to finish things and however long you have to be in recovery. When I asked if I could demand the baby stay with me, I was told that they have to follow their policies first. 

With Eli, I was in recovery for four hours. FOUR HOURS. I didn't get to see my baby, hold my baby, bond with my baby, NOTHING. He was taken away, and I didn't see him at all. I know that some women don't have a huge issue with this, but I do! You carry a baby in your womb for 9 months, and then all the sudden, they are surgically removed from you, then all you get to do is kiss their face for one second before they are taken away. And you have no idea how long it's going to be before you see them, you don't know what's happening to them, nothing. You're left, alone, strapped down Jesus style, to a table, while they patch you back together and you get to listen to them talk about their weekend or where which organ goes where, and all you want to do is hold your baby. Honestly, surgery sucks. It sucks for your body. It hurts like hell to recover. If you're allergic to anesthetics like I am, it sucks even more. You freak out. You cry. You live with it forever. It sucks. But not matter how much it sucks, nothing sucks, and is as hard, as having your baby taken away from you right after birth. At least for me. You miss out on the first hours of your babies life... it SUCKS! So, knowing that my baby was going to stay with me, if I had to have a c-section, was the ONLY thing that gave me peace about going into labor. Knowing that, no matter what, if I got to have my VBAC or have a cesarean, I would at least get to be with my baby, I mean, it sounded like heaven. But today, the only peace I had about giving birth, was taken away, and now, I don't know if I'll get to see him or hold him after delivery and it freaks me out. I can't go through that again. I just can't. 

So today, I left the doctor's office in tears. It sucks. 

Josh and I talked in the parking lot at the doctors, and he, like so many other people, keep telling me that 'everything is going to be ok' and that I 'don't have to worry because I am going to get to have a VBAC' and everything is going to be 'just fine'.... and to be honest, I kinda flipped out. I know he, and others, are trying to be positive and encouraging, but they were the same way when I went in to have my VBAC with Eli... and I still ended up with a c-section. I know the power of asshole (sorry!) doctors. I know the power of pushy medical staff. I've been through it before. I know the ability of a doctor who can scare you into doing what they want, even if it's not the best for you, but because it's the best for them. I know that just because I plan a VBAC, it doesn't mean that it's going to happen. Believe me, I know! I've been through it! I've spent this entire pregnancy coming to terms with all of it and decided that no matter what happens, as long as I get to be with my baby, it would all be ok.... but now that's not a guaranteed thing either. Ugh. I'm just so frustrated. Not with people being positive about it, I appreciate them trying to make me feel better . No, I'm just so frustrated with the entire situation, with everything that has happened with my other deliveries that shouldn't have ever happened, with being told one thing and now another. Frustrated with preparing this entire pregnancy for something, and finding a glimmer of hope in the mess, and now not having it. Just so frustrated! 

Dreams: Still having lots of dreams about labor. 

Baby Size: About the size of a watermelon.  

Other events of the week: Nothing much. Took my own maternity pictures with a tripod and my camera the other night. Here are just a couple... 

37 Weeks

Cravings: Snickers Blizzards from the DQ :)

Symptoms: Sore pubic bone. Baby feels like he is sitting right on it. Also forgetful and tired all the time. Nesting is kicking in more, which is nice :)

Complaints: Umm.. pregnancy sucks. Yep, that's about it. Yep, I'm ready to be done!!!!

Weight gain: I think it's around 5lbs. 

Movement: Yes. Pretty sure he thinks the exit is through my sides, because I swear he is trying to kick his way out through the sides of my stomach. Ouch! 

Doctor appointment results: Baby is doing well. I am at about 1cm and very soft. Babies head is around -3cm, which is right where he should be. 

Mood:  Ready to be done :) 

Planning: Trying not to have a plan :) I know everyone plans how they want their birth to go... and I did that with my other two, and to a point, you can't help getting some things planned out... But I'm trying not to have a plan. Birth is unpredictable, and I don't want to get myself set on doing something a certain way and then end up disappointed in myself or the situation because it didn't go the way I wanted. The only goal I have is to not have a c-section (which I still made peace with for the most part, even though I REALLY don't want it), beyond that, I'm just going to listen to my body and do what I feel like I need to do. I'm trying to throw all expectations from myself and from other people, out the window, and just do whatever it is I need to do in that moment. 

Also, just trying to get things together before baby boy gets here. I am rather behind this pregnancy... heck, I haven't even gone to the hospital to check out the birthing rooms yet and where to go! We really need to do that... *sigh

Advice: Tell people to stop talking. No, seriously, that was the advice I got :) See, the more people ask me questions about birth and what I 'plan' and what I'm going to do/say/react... it STRESSES ME OUT! Not that I don't mind people asking, but when you have gone through all the crap I have with doctors, and the births that I've had, and knowing fully well that 99% of the people on shift when I attempt my VBAC are not exactly going to be supportive of it, the last thing you want to do (or at least I want to do) is think about all the things that could go wrong, or how I could be treated, or things they will try and force on me because it's 'proticol' ect. I know I'm going to have to deal with crap while I'm in labor, and stressing about it isn't going to change that... so I just prefer not to think about it because it's not going to do me or baby any good. So I'm staying in my 'bubble' and avoiding conversations about birth :) It's not that I want to be 'unprepared', but if I start thinking about all the 'what ifs' and 'probably's', then I will fixate on them, and it will be all I can think about, and I will be convinced that it's going to go horrible, and then when I go into labor, that will be all I can think about, rather then having a healthy happy baby. 

Dreams: Lots of dreams about labor lately. I've had one where the hospital had a room that was set up for all the mom's in labor who were 0-5cm along. And in that room there were different stations of things to help you get along. There was a musical station, with a piano, and a treadmill part, and lots of other odd things, that were supposed to help you get through labor. So this room was full of laboring mom's in hospital gowns, trying to make it to 5cm. Because after you reached 5cm, then you would be brought to another room for mom's who were 5-7cm, where they would have other things to help you through the more difficult part of labor or you could finally get your epidural. When you were finally at 7cm, then they would bring you to your own private room for transition and birth. Odd, I know. But I have lots of dreams like that :) 

Baby Size: About the size of a wintermelon.  

Cute Stuff: Gabriel is very impatient for baby to come. He also has been more cuddly lately, which is nice and I soak it up every chance I get. Eli doesn't seem to get it at all, but that's alright :) 

Other events of the week: Nothing much. Just making it to all my appointments. I fell on Tuesday a little, pulled a muscle in my stomach and smashed my arm on the wooden railing in our hallway. I'm doing better then expected from it, but it made me more sore then before, so that's not super fun, but I'm thankful that I'm not paying worse for it :)  

is it really helpful?

I have been thinking about something a lot lately, and I am curious to hear others opinions on the matter. I have been contemplating the phrase told to many young mothers ‘enjoy your children’ and wondering, is this really a helpful thing to say?

I have heard this phrase a lot in my few short years of motherhood, and even more so now that I am about to have my third. So many people, mostly seasoned mom’s, whose children are now gone out of the house, feel the need to remind me to enjoy my kids.

The first few times someone said it to me; it didn’t really bother me at all. Mostly I was so in love with my new baby, I couldn’t imagine enjoying him any more… and then, I wasn’t so impressed with the phrase anymore. Why? It wasn’t because I wasn’t completely in love with my new baby. No. Instead of making me enjoy my child more, it would freak me out that I wasn’t enjoying them enough. Like maybe, I was missing something. Maybe, I was doing something wrong… Was I doing something wrong?

Every new mother feels like we’re not doing it right. Every thought we ever had about motherhood, about caring for a newborn, about how things were going to go, has probably been smashed to pieces within the first couple of weeks if not days. You’re tired; your baby won’t stop screaming. That song that you planned on singing to them to comfort them, you now hate, because you have sung it so many times and it doesn’t do a dang thing to quiet their poor screams. You’re wondering if you’re eating something bad and if it’s getting into your milk, or maybe you just aren’t nursing right. And, now that I brought up nursing, I mean, seriously, it can suck. Not only suck, I mean, it can HURT. LIKE. HELL! And not to mention that your baby might have thrush, or maybe you might have mastitis, or baby isn’t latching right, seriously, for some new mom’s, it just is miserable at first. You wonder if you’re doing anything right.

Of course, you love this bundle of joy, who may or may not be eating away at your nipples and making them bleed, and is keeping you up for hours at night screaming for some reason you just can’t figure out, but you love them. You snuggle them, you smell that fresh baby smell, you sing to them, rock them, and inside, it feels like your heart is going to burst with the love you have for this little human. You enjoy them like no one else can.

And then, someone comes along and says ‘oh, make sure to enjoy them.’ Or sometimes it’s ‘enjoy the difficult moments with them’ or ‘they grow up so fast, enjoy every single moment!’ Every single moment? Really? Is that possible? Because if it is, I am failing miserably.

People seem to say these phrases in one of two moments. The first, they say it to you when you are already so in love with your child in that exact moment that you couldn’t imagine loving or enjoying them anymore. The other moment, always seems to be when your child is throwing a fit, you’ve had a long day, you are wearing their spit up, throw up, or maybe even their pee or poop somewhere on your clothes. That moment when you are using every ounce of your strength to hold it together because you had a whole 2 hours of sleep the night before and you would rather sit down with your screaming toddler and scream with him then to remind him, yet again, for the umpteenth that day that whining does not help. That moment, like your worst parenting moments, is when people seem to say ‘oh, don’t forget to enjoy your children!!!’

I’ll tell you the issue I’ve had with both these moments and maybe what (I think) would be more helpful to say in those moments. The first moment, when you don’t think you could love your child anymore, when someone says to enjoy your kids, you start to think ‘oh… am I not enjoying them enough?’  or ‘Can’t they see how much I am in love right now? Maybe I’m not showing my child enough how much I love/enjoy them.’ Or ‘Maybe something is wrong with me if I’m not loving him enough but I think that I am… obviously they see something missing that I don’t.’ The phrase in this moment, although meant well, often causes the mother to question herself and create unnecessary worry that they aren’t doing it right (believe me, they already worry enough about that!).  Instead, what would be a nice thing to say would be ‘wow, what a great Mama you are!’ or ‘You are doing such a good job with him/her’ or some other words of encouragement or compliments for the parents or baby.

The second situation, when you are having a miserable day/moment, and someone says ‘oh enjoy it’…. Is it just me, or does anyone else just want to smack the well meaning person across the head? You already want to pull your hair out, you’re pretty sure your child has become possessed, and you are counting down the minutes, nay, seconds, to nap time so you can FINALLY have a break from the screaming/fighting/throw up/poop/pee/bathroom interruptions/constant questions/or from playing candy land for the 30^th time that day. In that moment, you may not even like your child so much; you love them of course, but like them? Well, that might depend on the level of pitch their screams have been at all day. Either way, in that moment, you need a break! And then someone comes along and says, with their far too chipper attitude, ‘enjoy it’ and you just want to lose it. Believe me, in that moment, it really does not help to hear ‘enjoy it’. Rather, something along the lines of ‘I know how you feel, but stay strong!’ or ‘you really are doing a good job Mama, just remember that this too shall pass’ or the best one ‘would you like me to help you?’ The Mama in that moment doesn’t need to be reminded to enjoy her children, she needs help, and putting pressure on her to enjoy their screaming fits when she really wants to pull her hair out is probably not going to help anyone… and it might get you smacked in the process ;)

I’m not saying that this phrase is rude or that the people saying it don’t mean well. Usually it’s quite the opposite. I know they mean well, I know that they don’t want me to regret not enjoying my children enough when I get older and my kids are gone. I know that. But, maybe it’s just me, it doesn’t help.

I’ve been hearing this phrase more and more lately. And, often times, in the middle of my day, when I have to tell one of my boys ‘oh sweetie, can you hold on a minute, Mama’s got to go potty, again’ or ‘I just can’t right now, Mama hurts too bad’ or ‘no you can’t ride my back, I have a baby in my belly and it will hurt’ or even ‘no, Mama’s going to burn supper if I come right this second to read you that book, you’re going to have to wait a minute,’ when I say one of these things to my kids, I start to feel guilty. Those ‘enjoy it,’ ‘spend every second you can with them before the baby comes,’ ‘make sure to pay extra special attention to them since the baby is coming’ comments run through my head because I had to say ‘no’. And it makes me feel guilty.

Believe me, I already feel guilty. People whom have great pregnancies, or whom have only had one pregnancy, and don’t having any issues at all carrying a child for nine months, they don’t understand. People who don’t have kids obviously don’t understand. And even moms who have had kids, and it was hard on them to be pregnant, well, they seem to forget. And some people think they understand, but in all reality, they really don’t. Sometimes, pregnancy sucks. Sometimes, pregnancy hurts. And the fact that I have to stop playing with my kids to go to the bathroom, again, for the 20^th time in the last two hours, makes me feel guilty. I can’t go on long walks, or even shorter ones, because I know how badly my SI joint is going to hurt if I do. I can’t let them jump on me or sit on me a certain way or my PSD will slip. I can’t sit on the floor with them for an hour to play a game or lego’s because of my PSD, SI, and hip issues. I constantly tell them to be gentle with my stomach because if it’s been a rock hard ball all day, guess what? It hurts to even be touched! I get crabby because I can’t sleep from the pain in my hips or from having to get up to pee. I get crabby because I’m sick of being in pain all day, every day. Pregnancy sucks, and I feel guilty. I feel guilty because my kids don’t understand why Mommy has a large list of ‘can’t do’s.’ I feel bad that I’m not as fun right now. I feel bad that I can’t lift my 5 year old when he gets hurt. They don’t understand. No one knows that better then me because I see it in their eyes when I have to say ‘no’. And then someone says all those comments, and it just makes you feel guiltier. You’re already doing everything you can, and usually more then you should, and you know that you have a lot of crabby days from lack of sleep or from being in pain, and then you are being pressured to do more, to enjoy more, when you are already at your max.

Now, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I look at it wrong and it just makes all my insecurities of being a Mom surface and I question everything. But I don’t know if I can remember a time when someone said that to me and it actually helped… am I the only one? Do other people actually find this helpful to hear? I’m honestly curious. Does hearing ‘enjoy it more’ help you to actually enjoy it? Or does it make you feel guilty for needing a break, or question everything like I do? 

 Us, goofing around and enjoying it the only way we know how :)