Thursday, March 13, 2014

Jared's Birth Story

I finally got around to writing Jared’s birth story! Ignore any grammar errors; it’s late at night! I actually wrote the whole story, detail by tiny detail a while ago, but I just didn’t know how to truly write it… and I still don’t, to be honest. Jared’s birth, on one hand, was great. I got to labor, I got to try every way possible to birth him, and I made my own decisions and wasn’t scared into anything. It was different from my other two, and in those ways, it was great. But, it was also awful. Ok, ok, I know, people have even said to me ‘oh my gosh! How can you say that? Your baby was born healthy, how dare you say it was sad/awful/not good…’ and those people, I just don’t know how to explain things to them. Jared’s birth was truly a blessing, and it was also terrifying and so hard. So as I try to write it, and truly portray how things were and what we were feeling, stick with me J

Jared was a VBAC baby. My second time, to be exact, attempting a VBAC. My first attempt was with my second son, Eli, and the doctors never let me try. They freaked me out into have another C-section to fit their own agenda even though baby and I were both doing well. After birthing two babies via C-section, and having both babies taken away within minutes of giving birth, and not seeing them for hours after, was, to put it frankly, traumatic for me. It just does something to a mother to separate her from her baby’s immediately after birth, whatever the circumstance. So, with Jared, I was determined that I was going to give birth naturally so that for once, I could actually be with my baby after he was born, and not have the separation anxiety, not miss his first moments, and not miss the immediate bonding time.  I found a doctor who supported me, did loads of research, prepared myself, mentally and physically, to birth my baby, and waited for him to come.

Having said that, I was still freaked out. I was freaked out that a C-section was going to happen, and that we were going to be separated after birth. A few things fed this fear, like last minute changes from the hospital, or misinformation, so I wasn’t prepared for having new things thrown at me at the very end of my pregnancy. So, when I went into labor a couple of days before my due date, I actually managed to freak myself out of labor. Don’t think it can happen? Oh yes, it can J It’s called our flight or fight response, and I was so scared, my body took the flight response and made labor stop… which was such a bummer, because after that, I could not ‘let’ myself go into labor. Soon I was one week past my due date, and then almost two.

I stared to try everything to make myself go into labor. I tried every natural method possible because I did not want to be induced with Pitocin. I knew it wasn’t a good option for me, and that it was more then likely just signing me up for an automatic C-section, and after my doctor appointment two days before being a full two weeks overdue, my doctor decided it was a bad option too. Actually, multiple doctors at the hospital decided it wasn’t an option for me (which was fine because I already didn’t want it), because Pitocin adds risks to any laboring mother, and much more so for a VBAC mama. But, alas, none of my natural methods worked because I honestly believe I was still in ‘flight mode’.

So it was decided that I was to come to the hospital on Thursday morning for something. Whether we tried to break my water or something, baby was going to happen. The next day (Friday) I was going to be two full weeks late, and I think we had all decided that waiting any longer just wasn’t good for me or baby. Normally I’m all for a Mama sticking it out and waiting for however long for baby to come, but I knew it was time… plus, everyone at this point already thought I was truly crazy ;)

So Wednesday, the day all these decisions were being made, I came down with an awful headache. Worse then I had ever experienced before. I got a prescription because it was not going away, and was told if it did not lighten up, to go to the hospital immediately. I hadn’t shown any other signs of pre-eclampsia besides the headache, so they were willing to let me go home and see if the headache would subside with the medication. But, it didn’t. It just got worse and worse. But, knowing my body well enough, I knew that there could possibly be one other reason for this headache, so I had some chiropractic work done. And, it worked! For the most part J My headache subsided, though it didn’t completely go away (stress!), and that night, after a one last ditch at natural induction, I went into labor… sort of.

‘Labor’ started around midnight, and was every 7-10 minutes apart, but I could totally sleep in-between, contractions, and, I think, even through contractions. Except, hella back pain. Seriously, it was like someone ripping apart my back. I had back labor with my other two, so I knew what it was, but it was 10x worse this time. Anyway. Then they spaced out, and then got closer together, and spaced out again, and so the cycle continued. At one point they were 3-5 minutes apart, and then 30 minutes later they were 15 minutes apart. And then they just disappeared, and I was only getting them every 30 minutes. So Josh and I tried walking, the birthing ball, acupressure, but nothing was keeping them consistent, or even increasing them. My body was just doing whatever my body wanted to do. My doctor called me early in the morning to check if I was still coming in, and I told them I was going to be late because I wanted to see if I could get labor to go more, and I would come later in the morning instead of right at 7 or 8. After every attempt, and getting super frustrated, we decided to head to the hospital.

We got to the hospital, went on their monitors, walked around a lot, prayed, and slowly started to get my contractions back. I was at 4cm when I had got to the hospital.

Well, my options were few. I could either sign myself up for a C-section, walk around and try to get labor to increase, or possibly have my water broken but that wasn’t guaranteed to work to make my body go into labor. So, I walked. A lot. But walking hurt my back more then helped, and eventually, I opted for a birthing ball. Nothing was really working though, contractions weren’t getting any closer, and when they were coming, they were so painful. My back was so jacked up this pregnancy, and throwing back labor in with it, was just a mess. My minor contractions were hurting worse then my intense contractions when I was 9cm with no pain meds with Gabriel. I could not find any position or trick to lesson the back pain, it was just so intense. My physical therapist had said I had one of the worst backs of pregnancy she had ever seen, so when some people say ‘oh I totally know what you mean’ I kinda laugh, because I honestly don’t think anybody could understand it, haha! It’s like your back being broken, but times 10.

At around 3PM, I made a decision with my doctor. It was kind of a shot in the dark. My contraction had dwindled off and we all knew something had to happen. I wasn’t about to just sign myself up for a C-section, so I chose my last ‘natural’ option, I told them to break my water. One thing I did know, was that if the breaking the water worked, my ‘cushion’ was going to be gone. Which meant those contractions, and mostly, my back, was going to hurt so much worse. And that thought was completely unbearable. So I told them that before we broke my water, I wanted an epidural. So, that’s what they did! I got an epidural, and the doctor came in to break my water.

It worked! I was finally in a consistent labor pattern and progressing! By 9-10pm that night, I was 6cm. By 7am, I was 9cm, and by 9am, I was 10 cm.

My epidural had been one that I could still feel most everything, and still move around a bit, which was helpful because I was able to get in some positions that I knew were a little bit better then just laying on my back. But, Jared was quite picky and didn’t like me in numerous positions or his heart rate would drop, so I was more limited then what I would have liked.

I started pushing at 9am. Jared was at +1 when I started. My contractions at this point where more spaced out then the average women’s, but at the same time, were also longer. So I was able to push 3-4 times every contraction, rather then the average 2-3, and then would just have a longer break in between. I could tell my epidural was starting to wear off. My back and hips hurt so badly, he was literally sitting on my spine, and he was posterior, and it hurt! I knelt, I squatted, I did side lying, everything, nothing lessened the back pain, and, apparently, nothing made him move down. I pushed and pushed, for almost 2 hours, and he hadn’t budged a millimeter. They attempted to turn him at one point, which at first I thought helped, but I don’t think it did. He wasn’t budging, and it still felt like he was faced the wrong way. But, I was determined to have him. So, I pushed, and pushed, and pushed some more. I tried a towel trick, and we had one doctor pushing ‘things’ apart trying to give Jared room to move down, and it just wasn’t working. I pushed for 4 hours, and when I started, he was at +1, and when I stopped, he was still at +1.  Four hours of pushing and not one little millimeter to show for it! He just wasn’t coming.

My epidural was useless at this point, had completely worn off. I had tried every trick I knew of to give Jared the most space to move down, and nothing. Everyone in the room knew he wasn’t coming at that point. The two doctors I had, mine and the OB on call, were actually really bummed, they had really wanted to see me have a VBAC, and they had given me every opportunity to do so. They had also said that they had never, in all their years of delivering babies, seen anyone so determined to have a vaginal delivery or had seen someone push so hard. But, alas, baby wasn’t coming.

So, it was decided to have a C-section. And, at the time, I was completely ok with that. I knew I was within the hours at the hospital that my baby would be kept with me the entire time, granted I did not have to be completely put to sleep for the surgery, and I wasn’t going to miss a moment with my new baby. So, I signed the papers, and moaned and breathed through the contractions, all the way down to the surgery room.

When I got to the surgical room, a doctor came up to me, and asked me if my epidural had worn off, which I had said yes. From my understanding, and from talking to a friend who is actually an anesthesiologist, at this point, they could either give me more epidural medicine, which at this point would be pointless since my body was already used to the medicine and no longer working, or they could switch me to, I believe it’s called a spinal, which would be guaranteed to work and not let me feel anything from my chest down. Well, my anesthesiologist decided to give me more epidural medicine, instead of switching me to a spinal.

So, unknowing what I was in for, I got on the surgical table, and waited to feel completely numb like I knew I was supposed to feel from having gone through this before. The pain had decreased for the most part, but I could still wiggle my toes, and I could feel them draping things and what not. And, having gone through this before, I knew that they weren’t going to start before asking me if I was numb and testing if I could feel this or that.

Josh had come in and was holding my hand, and I started to freak out. I was feeling cold on my belly, and I could hear then talking over the noise of the machines by my head, and no one was asking me if I was numb. All the sudden, I started to feel pain. Lots of pain, in my stomach. I flipped. I told the anesthesiologist behind me that I could feel pain, and he was like ‘oh, it’s normal to feel a little bit during a C-section, don’t worry’ and I was like ‘I know what you’re supposed to feel, I’ve felt it before, you’re not supposed to feel pain!’ and he just said his speech again. I felt more cutting and snipping and the pain was just, unbearable. I asked them to stop, to give me something else, but I guess, since they had already given me such a large dose of epidural medicine, and since surgery had already started or something, that they could not give me anything else. I was told that they were going to try to do the C-section as fast as possible, and that I was just going to have to breathe through the pain, or, be put to sleep, but I didn’t want that because then I wouldn’t be able to be with my baby afterwards, so I chose to breathe through it.

There was lots of screaming involved, on my part, during the rest of the surgery from the pain, and I about broke my husband’s hand, and then all the sudden it stopped… but nobody said anything. Nobody said ‘he’s here!’ or ‘it’s a boy’ or ‘he’s healthy!’ Just nothing. So I listened, and was whispering ‘where is he? Is he here? I can’t hear him!’ and I was truly starting to freak out (well, more then I was, it was a new level of freaking out). Then I heard a sucking noise and remembered that they had said that he had probably inhaled meconium while he was inside me and that it would need to be sucked out, and finally, I heard him cry!!!! Then I started to cry J

They brought me my really beautiful, really big, baby boy! And I actually got to hold him! They laid him on top of me and for a moment, I got to hold my new baby boy! It was something I never had with my other two, so I was soaking up every second of it! But, then, I started to feel pain in my stomach again. They had started to stitch me up, and the pain was too much again. So they told me I had to give Jared to Josh, so they could give me a relaxant, to hopefully get me through the rest of the surgery. I had agreed as long as Josh held Jared next to my head so I could see him. I did not want to be parted.

Apparently, the relaxant put me to sleep, which would have been fine, because I would have just woken up a few minutes later and would have still been able to keep Jared with me. But, I guess, I must had still been able to feel the pain, or my body was in shock, or something, because apparently I started to moan and thrash around like I was in pain (no duh), and they had to officially put me to sleep to stitch me up so I wouldn’t hurt myself.

So I woke up, in the recovery room, not knowing what had happened, and my baby was nowhere to be seen. I remember saying the same thing over and over again. At first I kept saying ‘it hurts, it hurts’ over and over again, and then ‘where is my baby? Where is my baby?’ repeatedly. I remember starting to cry, I remember that I stopped breathing multiple times, every time I would start to fall asleep, I would stop breathing, and the alarm would go off and wake me up again, or they would shake me awake so I would take a breath in. They told me that I couldn’t go upstairs where my baby was until my pain was under control, so I lied and said it was so I could see him.

The trip up to the room was painful, but I finally got to hold my Jared again, and cuddle him for a bit. I think they gave me more drugs at that point, because I was still in hella amounts of pain, and I don’t remember too much for the next few hours… I think I tried to feed him, or something, I really don’t remember… I remember my nurse sucking, and I kicked her out, and I remember my husband holding Jared, and I remember seeing the indent around Jared’s head from where he had gotten stuck.

For the remainder of my hospital stay, I held Jared as much as I could J I slept with him, held him all the time, and watched him like a hawk every time he was with someone else J

Jared Michael was born November 8th, 2014 @ 2:00PM and weighed in at 9lbs 7oz and was 21 in long! Big and healthy!

So, there you have it! There is my birth story, the good, the bad, and the ugly. It’s not perfect, it’s not all sunshine and roses, but it’s what happened J I can say that I am pretty darn proud of myself for sticking to it, and trying everything in my power to have a vaginal birth, even if it meant being in labor all together for like 38 hours or whatever it was, and pushing for 4 hours, and for sticking it out during surgery even though it hurt like all hell, just to be able to hold my baby and be there when he came out! I wouldn’t trade that moment for anything! I can say I don’t talk about my birth much, or think about it much, and that is on purpose, so writing this all out took a lot of mental strength on my part. Whenever my husband starts to talk about it, I usually make him stop, because I remember the pain of the surgery, and I just don’t want to think about it. But I still wanted to write it, I still wanted it all said, and I still wanted it told.

The end J

Friday, November 1, 2013

41 Weeks

Well I've made it to 41 weeks! I think everyone is surprised at this point that I haven't gone into labor yet, or that I haven't been induced, but we'll get to that (and I have a question about) :)  

Cravings: Not much, everything gives me heartburn, so eating isn't my favorite thing right now. 

Symptoms: Holy heartburn! I had heartburn a little with Gabriel, hardly anything with Eli, and this one is taking the cake! Seriously, the further along I go, the worse it gets. I think my feet are swelling just a little, which I usually don't have a problem with in pregnancy. I just notice it a little when I take my socks off at the end of the day. Hmm... what else, that's not too gross that is ;) Sore back and hips. Baby grinding on my pubic bone (or at least it feels like it!), sore EVERYTHING!

Complaints: Besides that the baby isn't here yet... I can't sleep very well at all (not that this is new, but it's just worse). I lay down to sleep, and within a couple of minutes my SI joint gets locked up. So sleeping isn't happening unless I get to the point of pure exhaustion, at which point I just sleep through the pain, until it wakes me up, and then I end up sitting on my exercise ball (which has become my BFF) at 3AM for about an hour, until my SI unlocks itself and gets stretched out, and then I can finally go back to bed... only to do it again a few hours later. Thankfully, Josh has been 'letting' me sleep in on his days off (really I just push him out of bed, so he doesn't have a choice, hehe!), so I do get some sleep... just not any good sleep. Sitting on the exercise ball is about the only comfortable thing, but even that gets to become sore after awhile. 

Weight gain: 7-8 lbs

Movement: Yes, but only here and there. He seems to sleep most of the day and only have 1-2 times of semi activeness, which I'm not complaining about because when he is slightly active, it just hurts! 

Doctor appointment results: Between 2-3 cm, 50% effaced, and a very healthy, happy baby :) We did have the induction talk, but neither my doctor or I want to do that unless absolutely needed. Getting induced (especially with having the two prior c-sections) adds a lot more risks, and it's not as nice on baby or mommy. But, because I have been given 3 different due dates throughout this pregnancy (though the 25th of October was the pretty 'for sure' one), and because I am going beyond the medical norm and not getting induced yet, my doctor did ask if I would do an ultrasound to measure the fluid in there, make sure the placenta was healthy, and have me take a No Stress Test. So I did that yesterday, which turned into this whole mess, since it turned out that I wasn't ever scheduled for one of them when I was supposed to be... I ended up having to walk from the radiology department in the 1st street building at St. Mary's for the ultrasound, up the skywalk to the hospital on the 4th St for the NST, and then back to the 2nd St. building where I parked. I didn't plan on being out that long, so I never packed any snacks, so by the time I got to birthing floor at the hospital for the NST, I was starving! So I asked if there was a vending machine or something near by, and instead, they brought me 2 different meals, a salad and a sandwich, fruit, snack bars, and a drink to have while I took my NST. Surprising it was actually yummy, even if it was hospital food ;) 

Also, I had a question out there for all the Mommy's whom have been induced. My doctor told me how she induces women, and it just sounded like a lot longer process then the norm that I have heard (it also sounds far more gentle on the Mom and baby, so I'm not complaining, but just a lot longer). She said she has her patients come in the night before, and inserts a saline bulb in the cervix to stretch the cervix to at least 3cm, and then you sleep in the hospital with that in and it stretches things overnight (and apparently, sometimes that alone will cause the woman to go into labor). Then in the morning, they start the pitocin at a very low dose, sometimes so low that you don't even feel anything for the first day, as a way to 'prepare' your body for labor. If that doesn't cause your body to signal your body into labor, they take you off the pitocin that night so you can sleep, and then start it again the next day, at which point she said the body reacts to it immediately and says 'oh I know how to do this' and goes into labor... It sounds like a really looong process, but more gentle then all the stories I've heard about women going in that morning, and getting a high does of pitocin until the contractions are at what the doctors want them at, and then you labor really hard and long all day until you finally have the baby (or have a c-section). But, I've never had to have induction talks before, and maybe this is the normal... or maybe it's not... I don't know! So, is that what your doctors told you if you got induced? 

Mood:  Tired and impatient! I've come to terms that the due date is just a number, and some days I'm perfectly ok with being 'late'... and other days/times, I'm so overwhelmed and beyond ready to be done... like when I'm up for hours at night because of pain in my back :) 

Planning: To have this baby at some point soon (and hope that my house is not a disaster when the time finally comes)! 

Dreams: Every night I dream about either labor, or last night it was that I got induced. And then I wake up and hope I'm in labor and I never am :( 

Baby Size: BIG! Or at least he feels that way! The Bump website stopped sending me emails about how my baby is doing this week and his size, and started sending me emails about my newborn... which I don't have yet, so now their emails are kinda irrelevant :) 

Other events of the week: After my long morning at the doctors office yesterday, I went and had my first pedicure! It was pretty great! My favorite part, oddly, was the chair I sat in :) I usually don't like massage chairs, because they always seem to hit all the boney parts on my back and hurt rather then feel good. But this chair was nice and gentle, and worked my extremely sore lower back, I was so bummed I had to get up at the end! I mean, the feet part was nice too, but the chair was wonderful! Also, the lady who did my pedi didn't speak English, which was AWESOME! Why? That meant I didn't have to talk the entire time or have someone asking me when I was due/how I felt/when I was going to be induced (people always think I am planning on that)/or anything regarding birth or baby :) I love my baby, and I'm excited to finally have him at some point, but to not have to be asked the same questions over and over again, and simply just enjoy myself, well, it was pretty darn wonderful :) 

Saturday, October 26, 2013

40 Weeks

Due date was yesterday! Little goose needs to come on and get here ;) 

Cravings: Nothing, I've actually had less of an appetite this last week. 

Symptoms: Contractions and baby is super low!  

Complaints: Yeah, this baby isn't here yet! Hehe! I've never actually made it to my due date before, much less past it. So, this whole 'over due' thing is new to me :) 

Weight gain: About 6-7lbs

Movement: Of course! 

Doctor appointment results: About 50% effaced, 2 cm, and babies head is 'right there'... and also, that he is very, very happy :)  

Mood:  Impatient, tired, kind of overwhelmed. 

Planning: To have this baby by Wednesday! My next appointment is on Wednesday, and if I don't have him by then, I know I'm going to face the induction talk. And I'm just not sure how I feel about that. I don't want it done, I know it creates more risks. But I guess I don't know how much more of a risk there is going really far over with having two previous c-sections. They say the further you go, the more risk there is, but I don't know the facts or numbers behind it... I just never thought I would go over by much, if I did at all since my other two kids came early, so I never read up much on it. So, I would like him just to come, so I don't have to face that choice :) 

Dreams: I had a dream last night that I had my brown hair back... and now, I kinda want to dye it! 

Baby Size: About the size of a jack fruit... whatever that is ;)   

Other events of the week: Waiting for baby! 

Saturday, October 19, 2013

39 Weeks

Due in 6 days!!!!

Cravings: Bananas 

Symptoms: Lots and lots of contractions... INTENSE contractions! I only timed them once, for three hours they were 10 minutes apart. Then I went to bed, and then woke up in the middle of the night for two more hours of just crampy-ness. It wasn't really contractions, just I felt like I was having a horrible period for two straight hours. 

Complaints: Is this baby ever going to come? ;) My SI joint also has been locking up on the left side HORRIBLY since yesterday afternoon, OW!!!! I couldn't hardly walk a good hour yesterday it was locked up so badly. I had to use heat and sitting on my birthing ball to try to get it to release, which worked well enough I guess. 

Weight gain: Same as last week, about 5lbs. How? I'm not quite sure! Well, I have a pretty good idea behind it, but you don't want me to go into my life long story of trying to figure out why I couldn't loose weight and always being bigger, to finally figuring it out at the beginning of pregnancy, and it being a rather odd reason, ect ect. And, by just avoiding a couple of things, my body doesn't want to gain any pregnancy weight... even though I kinda eat like crap at this point ;)

Movement: Of course, but only a fraction  of what it used to be. He has calmed down a lot, and when he does move it's more felt down yonder, where it is far more uncomfortable. 

Doctor appointment results: Baby is doing good, cervix is a bit more dilated, though not a lot, like between a 1-2cm (usually I don't have them check me, but I've been doing some research on how to check how far dilated you are, without doing the internal exam, so I want to see how accurate I am... and thus far, I've been pretty on!) and thinning. 

Mood:  Impatient. Is the baby here yet? 

Planning: To go into labor today. And if that doesn't happen, to go into labor tomorrow. And we'll just keep sticking to that plan every day until he gets here :) I tried acupressure points twice. Once I knew it wasn't going to put me into labor, maybe just give me contractions, and it did, lots of them. And then I tried it again this morning, which I have had more contractions today then normal and they are pretty intense, but two things: one, it can take 24 hours to work fully and two, it's not going to fully work unless your body is ready and 'ripe'. And although I want my body to be ready and ripe, I'm not so sure that it is... so if it doesn't work today, I wouldn't be surprised... but I want it too! Any contraction is good though, right? I mean, they all work towards the end goal :) 

Dreams: Dreams about labor... and there was a really funny one the other night that had nothing to do with labor, but I can't remember what it was. 

Baby Size: About the size of a watermelon or pumpkin.  

Other events of the week: Waiting for baby! 

Friday, October 11, 2013

38 Weeks

Cravings: Hmm.. The only thing that I can think of that I 'craved' this week was caramel. I've never boughten a bag of Wether Original Chewy Caramels before.... but I did this week. And let me tell you, they were sooooo GOOOOOD!!!!!! 

Symptoms: Nesting :) My house is slowly getting clean, yay!!!!

Complaints: Pain in all sorts of places we just don't want to talk about ;) And, I officially waddle :(

Weight gain: Same as last week, about 5lbs. 

Movement: Yes, though it's kind of slowed down quite a bit. He hardly moved yesterday, and today he has also been calmer. 

Doctor appointment results: Same as last week, baby is doing well and all the numbers are still the same, which I'm ok with because I know it doesn't really matter :) Though, I did leave the doctors office crying, but we'll get to that. 

Mood:  TIRED! We all seem to be coming down with another cold. The kids have had it for a little while and are getting better, but Josh and I seem to just be getting it and I'm not very thrilled about that. He snored all night last night from the cold, so I didn't get any sleep and then woke up with a sore throat. Now my sinuses are starting to feel worse, and I can feel it more and more in my throat. I really REALLY don't want to be sick when I go into labor! 

Planning: So, after today, I have to wrap my head around a few things, and it's hard. First of all, yes, I am attempting a VBAC. Secondly, I know that a c-section is still possible, even though it's not what I want, I know that there is that chance. So, going into the final trimester, the only thing that gave me peace about labor and possibly having a c-section, is that I was told that, now, unlike when I had my other two kids, they keep the baby with the mother the entire time after surgery instead of separating the two. 

Well today, I was told differently. I found out that they only do this IF they have enough staff on hand, and you won't know if they will have enough staff on hand until the time comes. If they don't have enough staff, they will still take your baby away from you after birth for however long it takes them to finish things and however long you have to be in recovery. When I asked if I could demand the baby stay with me, I was told that they have to follow their policies first. 

With Eli, I was in recovery for four hours. FOUR HOURS. I didn't get to see my baby, hold my baby, bond with my baby, NOTHING. He was taken away, and I didn't see him at all. I know that some women don't have a huge issue with this, but I do! You carry a baby in your womb for 9 months, and then all the sudden, they are surgically removed from you, then all you get to do is kiss their face for one second before they are taken away. And you have no idea how long it's going to be before you see them, you don't know what's happening to them, nothing. You're left, alone, strapped down Jesus style, to a table, while they patch you back together and you get to listen to them talk about their weekend or where which organ goes where, and all you want to do is hold your baby. Honestly, surgery sucks. It sucks for your body. It hurts like hell to recover. If you're allergic to anesthetics like I am, it sucks even more. You freak out. You cry. You live with it forever. It sucks. But not matter how much it sucks, nothing sucks, and is as hard, as having your baby taken away from you right after birth. At least for me. You miss out on the first hours of your babies life... it SUCKS! So, knowing that my baby was going to stay with me, if I had to have a c-section, was the ONLY thing that gave me peace about going into labor. Knowing that, no matter what, if I got to have my VBAC or have a cesarean, I would at least get to be with my baby, I mean, it sounded like heaven. But today, the only peace I had about giving birth, was taken away, and now, I don't know if I'll get to see him or hold him after delivery and it freaks me out. I can't go through that again. I just can't. 

So today, I left the doctor's office in tears. It sucks. 

Josh and I talked in the parking lot at the doctors, and he, like so many other people, keep telling me that 'everything is going to be ok' and that I 'don't have to worry because I am going to get to have a VBAC' and everything is going to be 'just fine'.... and to be honest, I kinda flipped out. I know he, and others, are trying to be positive and encouraging, but they were the same way when I went in to have my VBAC with Eli... and I still ended up with a c-section. I know the power of asshole (sorry!) doctors. I know the power of pushy medical staff. I've been through it before. I know the ability of a doctor who can scare you into doing what they want, even if it's not the best for you, but because it's the best for them. I know that just because I plan a VBAC, it doesn't mean that it's going to happen. Believe me, I know! I've been through it! I've spent this entire pregnancy coming to terms with all of it and decided that no matter what happens, as long as I get to be with my baby, it would all be ok.... but now that's not a guaranteed thing either. Ugh. I'm just so frustrated. Not with people being positive about it, I appreciate them trying to make me feel better . No, I'm just so frustrated with the entire situation, with everything that has happened with my other deliveries that shouldn't have ever happened, with being told one thing and now another. Frustrated with preparing this entire pregnancy for something, and finding a glimmer of hope in the mess, and now not having it. Just so frustrated! 

Dreams: Still having lots of dreams about labor. 

Baby Size: About the size of a watermelon.  

Other events of the week: Nothing much. Took my own maternity pictures with a tripod and my camera the other night. Here are just a couple...