Monday, March 30, 2015

Journeys

Recently, I've been pondering ones journeys. I find it fascinating how God has something laid out for each of us to go through, based on who we are, and his plan for us. I, by no means, understand why God has certain people walk the path that he does. Why he makes others smoother, and some rougher then you could ever imagine.

I won't lie, I've gotten really mad at God about this before. Sometimes it was in regards to my own life, and sometimes it is the life of a friend, who is struggling through the muck and the miry and it breaks my heart to see them so broken. There have been times when everyone else's lives seem to be going perfect, and I wonder why in the world are they complaining about the dumbest things, don't they know I would kill for that right now?

I have been on my knees in my bedroom, sobbing before God to change things, anything, to just let me come above water to catch my breath as I feel like I am drowning in my own life. I have been on my knees sobbing over what I see a friend or family member go through, because it breaks me to see them in so much pain and I beg God to just smooth out their path... to give them a break... to relieve them of the hurt that they are burdened with.

Why DOES God have us go through certain things?

One of the things that God has, I believe, blessed me with the ability of, is to see who people are meant to be. Not who they ARE, but who they were created to be. I will admit that sometimes I see this so strongly, that I get myself in trouble, and instead of seeing who they are, in the here and now, I see beyond that... and yes, this can create a whole mess of trouble at times when I trust people more then I probably should, or I don't see all the red flags that are flying up in my face.

Am I sounding crazy yet? Yes? Good ;) I like crazy!

Anyway... Can I tell you something? If you want to know how beautifully God created you to be, can I just say, it so SO BEAUTIFUL!

I think that in some way, God has been showing me that because I can see who he created people to be, that I can understand the 'why' in their journeys a bit more. How I'm to help people in that, I'm not entirely sure, as I'm in my own journey of learning, struggles, and hidden blessings... but I hope for God to show me.



Side not: Am I who God created me to be? Sadly, no. I'm far too loud and need to learn to close my mouth at times :D I learned a whole new level of feisty in my struggles, and I think God is now saying 'whoa there! That may be just a tad too much then I intended you to learn... let's have you go through something else to tame that one down.' or maybe 'Um, dear daughter, you be gettin' feisty 'bout the WRONG thing and not 'bout what you supposed to be.' (Yes, in my mind, God be talkin' ghetto sometimes.) Felt like I needed to add this in here, as I am far from perfect, and far from who he created me to be as well!

Saturday, March 21, 2015

joy in spite of...

As I sit here this morning, doing my devotions and drinking my coffee, I feel pressed to write this blog. Of what, I am still not sure, as I have so many things stirring in my heart this morning. I have written in the past how I feel as though my life is a shaken snow globe; and while I find it immensely beautiful and captivating, others see a great deal of a mess. I dare say that God has never ordained our life, since the fall in the garden, to be perfect and peaceful. No, I believe that Gods plan is far more great and powerful then what we think would be ideal or, to say the least, far less messy.

One of my favorite sermons that a certain super awesome pastor once preached, was about finding joy in spite of. In spite of whatever is happening, are we choosing to find joy, to find God, in the mess, or are we choosing to reflect only on our sorrows and woes. I often think of this sermon whenever things are going, well, to say the least, less then desirable.

Life is hard. Life flat out sucks sometimes. People tend to revert to our fallen and sinful ways. They aren't as nice as they should be, aren't as supportive as they should be, aren't as gracious as they should be, aren't as sensitive as they should be, aren't as quiet and holding their tongue as they should be. But, it's not all the times. Sure, sometimes it feels that way... sometimes you are sure that the whole world has come against you, and walking out your door to face it sounds far to overwhelming and scary of a thing to do. But when that friend gives you a hug, and they hold just a little tighter and a little longer then normal because they can see, somehow, that deep within your soul, you need it. When that stranger passes by with a smile, and holds the door open for you, your soul lifts just a little bit. When, out of no where, a friend sends you a text message, or calls you, just to see how you are doing, or maybe to say thanks, just for something small you have done, or brings you a cup of coffee after a long day at work, you know that there is joy to be found.

God often reveals joy in spite of, through my children. Baby snuggles, smiles and joy in their eyes of the small and simple discoveries this world has to offer, their tiny small bodies trying to be big, trying to do what Mommy and Daddy do. I love when their creativity comes to life, and even though my world becomes all the more messy (quite literally) as their creativity grows, their is joy in watching them be who God made them to be.

See, and I'm sorry if I'm jumping all over this morning, but our adoption journey is just beginning. I have no idea what this process is going to hold, and what we will have to go through. I know it's not going to be easy, and I know it will be messy. I've already had people question our desire to adopt, or think we are crazy, or tell us that they don't think 'we're ready' to adopt. That's fine, they are entitled to their opinion, and quite honestly, I agree with them.

I do think we are crazy. Well, crazier then before, at least... never been one to be that normal in the first place... ahem. Anyway. It IS crazy to be a young couple, and have 3 young boys, and open our hearts and homes to children from across the world, to call them our own and love them. Those people aren't wrong who say it's crazy, it IS crazy! God has never been one to call people to logical things... or at least, my idea of logical. God didn't tell the Israelites to make boats, or plop a big ship in their path when they fled Egypt. Nope, He was like 'hey, no, that is far too boring of a story, and really? A ship? No, let's literally open up the waters and let them cross, that is much more fun.' And he didn't say 'here, take these logs and bulldozers and knock down the walls of Jericho...' instead he said, 'walk around the city, and although you may look like you are bonkers and no one will have no idea why I'm asking you to do what I'm asking, and do this for seven days, and then I'll let the walls of Jericho fall.'

I mean, really, Gods form of 'logic' is far from my form of 'logic' and, yes, he calls us to do the most 'illogical' things possible at times. But how else would we experience his wonder, his awesomeness, and find such joy in his ways, if things always went 'according to plan?'

As for those who say, 'I don't think you're really ready to adopt,' I must say, I agree. After all, who is ever really 'ready' to adopt. If every couple, or person waited until they were 'ready' to adopt, no child would ever find a forever home. God does not call the well rested. And we are by no means, well rested (hence the reason for coffee on this bright fine morning ;) ). And, I don't believe that orphans were ever 'ready' to be orphaned, to be abandoned, to be alone. So although I wholeheartedly agree that we may never be 'ready' for this crazy journey, I also wholeheartedly know that there are children who are never MORE ready for a family.

My life, yes, is a shaken snow globe that appears messy, with no direct path on where the snow will fall, and which way the wind will take us. But I know that it has been stirred, and shaken with love. For in spite of the mess, in spite of the chaos, there is beauty in the wind. There is beauty in watching our world spin around us, in an array of sparkling flurries, and finding joy and wonder in the places where they land. We know not where things will fall, no more then those who are watching from the outside, and we may not be ready for all of it... but that is what makes it beautiful. We are choosing to look for the joys in spite of. There is joy in the every day, in spite of the hard, in spite of the pain, in spite of whatever is going on, there is joy. May God open our eyes and hearts to forever and always find the joy in the small things he has laid before us.
My morning coffee... 

Wednesday, March 11, 2015

his family...

I've heard that the adoption process is one of deep refining. That God will forever change you. Excited and scared, I embraced this thought, expecting it to be hard, to be changing. What I did not expect, is that the refining process starts immediately.

Right now, I hear all those who have adopted before, laughing. And that's ok ;) I think they are laughing because it's true, laughing because they might be thinking 'oh you have NO idea!' or laughing from joy... either way, I'm ok with that.

For me, from the moment we decided that this WAS happening, which really, was not that long ago, I started to see some things in a new light, and God slowly scratching a few surfaces of my heart. I'm excited, and again, scared, to see all that God has in store for us over this journey.

This story touched my heart deeply. It says so much, and when the father said 'Hi Jacob, I'm your Daddy' I couldn't help but think that this is how God reacts when we fall before him, in repentance, and accept the gift that he has offered us, to be adopted into HIS family!



Can you imagine, coming before God, broken, with nothing to give but ourselves. And God gathers us in his arms, knowing we are helpless, that we are weak, and with tears in his eyes says, 'Hi Kayla, I'm your Daddy.' and forever adopts you into HIS family. 

Sunday, March 8, 2015

Put it on the mantel...

Some great friends of ours who have gone through the adoption process before, and will more then likely be going through it again, told us 'put it on the mantel.'

What does that mean? Put the adoption paper work on the 'mantel' and pray for God to provide the money that you need to send those papers in to the adoption agency. So, we did. And God has already started to show His hand by placing it on a friends heart to donate.


Seriously, how amazing?!?! This morning as I prayed, as I was questioning everything, I prayed if God wanted us to do this to 'Please send people to rally around us and let their love and support be evident.' And as I checked my email tonight, with a notification that a dear friend had donated on our gofundme account, that I wasn't even sure I should create, I cried. I giggled at God's goodness, and cried. How good is our God?!?! Amazing! Thank you Lord, for your goodness and grace!

Thursday, March 5, 2015

Shaken Snow Globe

Have you ever shook a snow globe? Most of us have at one point or another. I remember as a little kid, shaking my precious moments snow globe as hard as I could, and then was completely mesmerized as I watched the snow slowly fall into place at the bottom of the globe. As you shook it, you never knew where the pieces were going to fall, but you did know one thing, no matter how crazy the snow whirled inside that small globe, it was beautiful.



My life is like a snow globe. And it has recently been picked up, and been shaken. Right now, I'm standing in the middle of my life, watching things getting thrown in the air, having no idea that these things even existed before, and watching as they swirl around me. I'm not sure when they will settle, I'm not sure where they will land, but while I watch this beautiful mess around me, I am mesmerized. Mesmerized by the beauty, by the mess, by the wonder, by the adventure!