38 Weeks

Cravings: Hmm.. The only thing that I can think of that I 'craved' this week was caramel. I've never boughten a bag of Wether Original Chewy Caramels before.... but I did this week. And let me tell you, they were sooooo GOOOOOD!!!!!! 

Symptoms: Nesting :) My house is slowly getting clean, yay!!!!

Complaints: Pain in all sorts of places we just don't want to talk about ;) And, I officially waddle :(

Weight gain: Same as last week, about 5lbs. 

Movement: Yes, though it's kind of slowed down quite a bit. He hardly moved yesterday, and today he has also been calmer. 

Doctor appointment results: Same as last week, baby is doing well and all the numbers are still the same, which I'm ok with because I know it doesn't really matter :) Though, I did leave the doctors office crying, but we'll get to that. 

Mood:  TIRED! We all seem to be coming down with another cold. The kids have had it for a little while and are getting better, but Josh and I seem to just be getting it and I'm not very thrilled about that. He snored all night last night from the cold, so I didn't get any sleep and then woke up with a sore throat. Now my sinuses are starting to feel worse, and I can feel it more and more in my throat. I really REALLY don't want to be sick when I go into labor! 

Planning: So, after today, I have to wrap my head around a few things, and it's hard. First of all, yes, I am attempting a VBAC. Secondly, I know that a c-section is still possible, even though it's not what I want, I know that there is that chance. So, going into the final trimester, the only thing that gave me peace about labor and possibly having a c-section, is that I was told that, now, unlike when I had my other two kids, they keep the baby with the mother the entire time after surgery instead of separating the two. 

Well today, I was told differently. I found out that they only do this IF they have enough staff on hand, and you won't know if they will have enough staff on hand until the time comes. If they don't have enough staff, they will still take your baby away from you after birth for however long it takes them to finish things and however long you have to be in recovery. When I asked if I could demand the baby stay with me, I was told that they have to follow their policies first. 

With Eli, I was in recovery for four hours. FOUR HOURS. I didn't get to see my baby, hold my baby, bond with my baby, NOTHING. He was taken away, and I didn't see him at all. I know that some women don't have a huge issue with this, but I do! You carry a baby in your womb for 9 months, and then all the sudden, they are surgically removed from you, then all you get to do is kiss their face for one second before they are taken away. And you have no idea how long it's going to be before you see them, you don't know what's happening to them, nothing. You're left, alone, strapped down Jesus style, to a table, while they patch you back together and you get to listen to them talk about their weekend or where which organ goes where, and all you want to do is hold your baby. Honestly, surgery sucks. It sucks for your body. It hurts like hell to recover. If you're allergic to anesthetics like I am, it sucks even more. You freak out. You cry. You live with it forever. It sucks. But not matter how much it sucks, nothing sucks, and is as hard, as having your baby taken away from you right after birth. At least for me. You miss out on the first hours of your babies life... it SUCKS! So, knowing that my baby was going to stay with me, if I had to have a c-section, was the ONLY thing that gave me peace about going into labor. Knowing that, no matter what, if I got to have my VBAC or have a cesarean, I would at least get to be with my baby, I mean, it sounded like heaven. But today, the only peace I had about giving birth, was taken away, and now, I don't know if I'll get to see him or hold him after delivery and it freaks me out. I can't go through that again. I just can't. 

So today, I left the doctor's office in tears. It sucks. 

Josh and I talked in the parking lot at the doctors, and he, like so many other people, keep telling me that 'everything is going to be ok' and that I 'don't have to worry because I am going to get to have a VBAC' and everything is going to be 'just fine'.... and to be honest, I kinda flipped out. I know he, and others, are trying to be positive and encouraging, but they were the same way when I went in to have my VBAC with Eli... and I still ended up with a c-section. I know the power of asshole (sorry!) doctors. I know the power of pushy medical staff. I've been through it before. I know the ability of a doctor who can scare you into doing what they want, even if it's not the best for you, but because it's the best for them. I know that just because I plan a VBAC, it doesn't mean that it's going to happen. Believe me, I know! I've been through it! I've spent this entire pregnancy coming to terms with all of it and decided that no matter what happens, as long as I get to be with my baby, it would all be ok.... but now that's not a guaranteed thing either. Ugh. I'm just so frustrated. Not with people being positive about it, I appreciate them trying to make me feel better . No, I'm just so frustrated with the entire situation, with everything that has happened with my other deliveries that shouldn't have ever happened, with being told one thing and now another. Frustrated with preparing this entire pregnancy for something, and finding a glimmer of hope in the mess, and now not having it. Just so frustrated! 

Dreams: Still having lots of dreams about labor. 

Baby Size: About the size of a watermelon.  

Other events of the week: Nothing much. Took my own maternity pictures with a tripod and my camera the other night. Here are just a couple... 

37 Weeks

Cravings: Snickers Blizzards from the DQ :)

Symptoms: Sore pubic bone. Baby feels like he is sitting right on it. Also forgetful and tired all the time. Nesting is kicking in more, which is nice :)

Complaints: Umm.. pregnancy sucks. Yep, that's about it. Yep, I'm ready to be done!!!!

Weight gain: I think it's around 5lbs. 

Movement: Yes. Pretty sure he thinks the exit is through my sides, because I swear he is trying to kick his way out through the sides of my stomach. Ouch! 

Doctor appointment results: Baby is doing well. I am at about 1cm and very soft. Babies head is around -3cm, which is right where he should be. 

Mood:  Ready to be done :) 

Planning: Trying not to have a plan :) I know everyone plans how they want their birth to go... and I did that with my other two, and to a point, you can't help getting some things planned out... But I'm trying not to have a plan. Birth is unpredictable, and I don't want to get myself set on doing something a certain way and then end up disappointed in myself or the situation because it didn't go the way I wanted. The only goal I have is to not have a c-section (which I still made peace with for the most part, even though I REALLY don't want it), beyond that, I'm just going to listen to my body and do what I feel like I need to do. I'm trying to throw all expectations from myself and from other people, out the window, and just do whatever it is I need to do in that moment. 

Also, just trying to get things together before baby boy gets here. I am rather behind this pregnancy... heck, I haven't even gone to the hospital to check out the birthing rooms yet and where to go! We really need to do that... *sigh

Advice: Tell people to stop talking. No, seriously, that was the advice I got :) See, the more people ask me questions about birth and what I 'plan' and what I'm going to do/say/react... it STRESSES ME OUT! Not that I don't mind people asking, but when you have gone through all the crap I have with doctors, and the births that I've had, and knowing fully well that 99% of the people on shift when I attempt my VBAC are not exactly going to be supportive of it, the last thing you want to do (or at least I want to do) is think about all the things that could go wrong, or how I could be treated, or things they will try and force on me because it's 'proticol' ect. I know I'm going to have to deal with crap while I'm in labor, and stressing about it isn't going to change that... so I just prefer not to think about it because it's not going to do me or baby any good. So I'm staying in my 'bubble' and avoiding conversations about birth :) It's not that I want to be 'unprepared', but if I start thinking about all the 'what ifs' and 'probably's', then I will fixate on them, and it will be all I can think about, and I will be convinced that it's going to go horrible, and then when I go into labor, that will be all I can think about, rather then having a healthy happy baby. 

Dreams: Lots of dreams about labor lately. I've had one where the hospital had a room that was set up for all the mom's in labor who were 0-5cm along. And in that room there were different stations of things to help you get along. There was a musical station, with a piano, and a treadmill part, and lots of other odd things, that were supposed to help you get through labor. So this room was full of laboring mom's in hospital gowns, trying to make it to 5cm. Because after you reached 5cm, then you would be brought to another room for mom's who were 5-7cm, where they would have other things to help you through the more difficult part of labor or you could finally get your epidural. When you were finally at 7cm, then they would bring you to your own private room for transition and birth. Odd, I know. But I have lots of dreams like that :) 

Baby Size: About the size of a wintermelon.  

Cute Stuff: Gabriel is very impatient for baby to come. He also has been more cuddly lately, which is nice and I soak it up every chance I get. Eli doesn't seem to get it at all, but that's alright :) 

Other events of the week: Nothing much. Just making it to all my appointments. I fell on Tuesday a little, pulled a muscle in my stomach and smashed my arm on the wooden railing in our hallway. I'm doing better then expected from it, but it made me more sore then before, so that's not super fun, but I'm thankful that I'm not paying worse for it :)  

is it really helpful?

I have been thinking about something a lot lately, and I am curious to hear others opinions on the matter. I have been contemplating the phrase told to many young mothers ‘enjoy your children’ and wondering, is this really a helpful thing to say?

I have heard this phrase a lot in my few short years of motherhood, and even more so now that I am about to have my third. So many people, mostly seasoned mom’s, whose children are now gone out of the house, feel the need to remind me to enjoy my kids.

The first few times someone said it to me; it didn’t really bother me at all. Mostly I was so in love with my new baby, I couldn’t imagine enjoying him any more… and then, I wasn’t so impressed with the phrase anymore. Why? It wasn’t because I wasn’t completely in love with my new baby. No. Instead of making me enjoy my child more, it would freak me out that I wasn’t enjoying them enough. Like maybe, I was missing something. Maybe, I was doing something wrong… Was I doing something wrong?

Every new mother feels like we’re not doing it right. Every thought we ever had about motherhood, about caring for a newborn, about how things were going to go, has probably been smashed to pieces within the first couple of weeks if not days. You’re tired; your baby won’t stop screaming. That song that you planned on singing to them to comfort them, you now hate, because you have sung it so many times and it doesn’t do a dang thing to quiet their poor screams. You’re wondering if you’re eating something bad and if it’s getting into your milk, or maybe you just aren’t nursing right. And, now that I brought up nursing, I mean, seriously, it can suck. Not only suck, I mean, it can HURT. LIKE. HELL! And not to mention that your baby might have thrush, or maybe you might have mastitis, or baby isn’t latching right, seriously, for some new mom’s, it just is miserable at first. You wonder if you’re doing anything right.

Of course, you love this bundle of joy, who may or may not be eating away at your nipples and making them bleed, and is keeping you up for hours at night screaming for some reason you just can’t figure out, but you love them. You snuggle them, you smell that fresh baby smell, you sing to them, rock them, and inside, it feels like your heart is going to burst with the love you have for this little human. You enjoy them like no one else can.

And then, someone comes along and says ‘oh, make sure to enjoy them.’ Or sometimes it’s ‘enjoy the difficult moments with them’ or ‘they grow up so fast, enjoy every single moment!’ Every single moment? Really? Is that possible? Because if it is, I am failing miserably.

People seem to say these phrases in one of two moments. The first, they say it to you when you are already so in love with your child in that exact moment that you couldn’t imagine loving or enjoying them anymore. The other moment, always seems to be when your child is throwing a fit, you’ve had a long day, you are wearing their spit up, throw up, or maybe even their pee or poop somewhere on your clothes. That moment when you are using every ounce of your strength to hold it together because you had a whole 2 hours of sleep the night before and you would rather sit down with your screaming toddler and scream with him then to remind him, yet again, for the umpteenth that day that whining does not help. That moment, like your worst parenting moments, is when people seem to say ‘oh, don’t forget to enjoy your children!!!’

I’ll tell you the issue I’ve had with both these moments and maybe what (I think) would be more helpful to say in those moments. The first moment, when you don’t think you could love your child anymore, when someone says to enjoy your kids, you start to think ‘oh… am I not enjoying them enough?’  or ‘Can’t they see how much I am in love right now? Maybe I’m not showing my child enough how much I love/enjoy them.’ Or ‘Maybe something is wrong with me if I’m not loving him enough but I think that I am… obviously they see something missing that I don’t.’ The phrase in this moment, although meant well, often causes the mother to question herself and create unnecessary worry that they aren’t doing it right (believe me, they already worry enough about that!).  Instead, what would be a nice thing to say would be ‘wow, what a great Mama you are!’ or ‘You are doing such a good job with him/her’ or some other words of encouragement or compliments for the parents or baby.

The second situation, when you are having a miserable day/moment, and someone says ‘oh enjoy it’…. Is it just me, or does anyone else just want to smack the well meaning person across the head? You already want to pull your hair out, you’re pretty sure your child has become possessed, and you are counting down the minutes, nay, seconds, to nap time so you can FINALLY have a break from the screaming/fighting/throw up/poop/pee/bathroom interruptions/constant questions/or from playing candy land for the 30^th time that day. In that moment, you may not even like your child so much; you love them of course, but like them? Well, that might depend on the level of pitch their screams have been at all day. Either way, in that moment, you need a break! And then someone comes along and says, with their far too chipper attitude, ‘enjoy it’ and you just want to lose it. Believe me, in that moment, it really does not help to hear ‘enjoy it’. Rather, something along the lines of ‘I know how you feel, but stay strong!’ or ‘you really are doing a good job Mama, just remember that this too shall pass’ or the best one ‘would you like me to help you?’ The Mama in that moment doesn’t need to be reminded to enjoy her children, she needs help, and putting pressure on her to enjoy their screaming fits when she really wants to pull her hair out is probably not going to help anyone… and it might get you smacked in the process ;)

I’m not saying that this phrase is rude or that the people saying it don’t mean well. Usually it’s quite the opposite. I know they mean well, I know that they don’t want me to regret not enjoying my children enough when I get older and my kids are gone. I know that. But, maybe it’s just me, it doesn’t help.

I’ve been hearing this phrase more and more lately. And, often times, in the middle of my day, when I have to tell one of my boys ‘oh sweetie, can you hold on a minute, Mama’s got to go potty, again’ or ‘I just can’t right now, Mama hurts too bad’ or ‘no you can’t ride my back, I have a baby in my belly and it will hurt’ or even ‘no, Mama’s going to burn supper if I come right this second to read you that book, you’re going to have to wait a minute,’ when I say one of these things to my kids, I start to feel guilty. Those ‘enjoy it,’ ‘spend every second you can with them before the baby comes,’ ‘make sure to pay extra special attention to them since the baby is coming’ comments run through my head because I had to say ‘no’. And it makes me feel guilty.

Believe me, I already feel guilty. People whom have great pregnancies, or whom have only had one pregnancy, and don’t having any issues at all carrying a child for nine months, they don’t understand. People who don’t have kids obviously don’t understand. And even moms who have had kids, and it was hard on them to be pregnant, well, they seem to forget. And some people think they understand, but in all reality, they really don’t. Sometimes, pregnancy sucks. Sometimes, pregnancy hurts. And the fact that I have to stop playing with my kids to go to the bathroom, again, for the 20^th time in the last two hours, makes me feel guilty. I can’t go on long walks, or even shorter ones, because I know how badly my SI joint is going to hurt if I do. I can’t let them jump on me or sit on me a certain way or my PSD will slip. I can’t sit on the floor with them for an hour to play a game or lego’s because of my PSD, SI, and hip issues. I constantly tell them to be gentle with my stomach because if it’s been a rock hard ball all day, guess what? It hurts to even be touched! I get crabby because I can’t sleep from the pain in my hips or from having to get up to pee. I get crabby because I’m sick of being in pain all day, every day. Pregnancy sucks, and I feel guilty. I feel guilty because my kids don’t understand why Mommy has a large list of ‘can’t do’s.’ I feel bad that I’m not as fun right now. I feel bad that I can’t lift my 5 year old when he gets hurt. They don’t understand. No one knows that better then me because I see it in their eyes when I have to say ‘no’. And then someone says all those comments, and it just makes you feel guiltier. You’re already doing everything you can, and usually more then you should, and you know that you have a lot of crabby days from lack of sleep or from being in pain, and then you are being pressured to do more, to enjoy more, when you are already at your max.

Now, maybe it’s just me. Maybe I look at it wrong and it just makes all my insecurities of being a Mom surface and I question everything. But I don’t know if I can remember a time when someone said that to me and it actually helped… am I the only one? Do other people actually find this helpful to hear? I’m honestly curious. Does hearing ‘enjoy it more’ help you to actually enjoy it? Or does it make you feel guilty for needing a break, or question everything like I do? 

 Us, goofing around and enjoying it the only way we know how :) 

35 Weeks!!!!!

Cravings: Chocolate :) Also, not a craving, but greasy food sounds like about the nastiest thing in the world lately. Seriously, if it's got grease, I probably am not going to eat it. The only thing that sounds good is fruit, veggies, salads, or things along those lines. Even carbs, like breads, or dairies, they just don't sound very good to me! 

Symptoms: Forgetfulness, Braxton Hicks contractions, sore belly, sore back, and my pubic symphysis keeps slipping :(

Ok, so I have had a lot of people ask me what PSD (Pubic Symphysis Disorder) is, so I'll just explain it a little. Your pubic bone in the front is not one solid bone. It's actually two separate bones connected by a bone-like cartilage in the middle. When one is pregnant, a hormone called Relaxin is released and it makes things nice and loose in your hips so that everything can open up and baby can get through. This is why we waddle, FYI :) Some women, their cartilage that holds the pubic bone in place, well it get too loose, causing your pubic bone to slip out of place. This can happen if you separate your legs too much, put all your weight on one leg, move wrong, stand wrong, or sit wrong... pretty much lots of things can make it slip. When it slips, some women experience stabbing pain right in their pubic bone region, other women, such as myself, get shooting pain from their pubic bone down into their legs, and it doesn't go away until the pubic bone slips back into place. Unfortunately, there is nothing that can be done for it. The only thing to do is to try to stay more active/exercise before you start experiencing symptoms, which speaking from experience this actually does help a lot! When I was pregnant with Eli, I was experiencing PSD from around 28 weeks or so, and this time I was able to make it to about 33 weeks before the PSD started, and it's not as bad, thus far, this time around. So if you are ever around me, and my knees buckle a bit, and I yelp a little 'OW!!!!', I'm not in labor (more then likely), my PSD has likely slipped and I'm trying not to fall to my knees in pain :) 

Complaints: PSD, having to go potty all the time, and my SI joint (lower back) is still not a happy camper :( 

Weight gain: 2lbs. This is likely to climb rapidly as it usually does in the end of my pregnancies. 

Movement: Yes. He's head down, and I can always tell where his big bum is because it sticks out and then his feet kick my other side :) 

Doctor appointment results: Everything looks good with the baby. I have been having a really hard time breathing lately. I have asthma, but it hardly ever flares up, like I only have to use my inhaler like 2-3 times a year. Well lately, I've been using it daily, multiple times a day, and it doesn't work. It still feels like something is sitting on my chest, and I can't walk up the stairs or go for a walk, or even talk normally. I thought the baby was up in my lungs, as did a lot of other people, but even looking at my stomach, you can tell that baby is not high enough to be causing this much of an issue. So I finally called the doctor and they had me come in that day. At first, everything looked fine, until they had me blow into this little gage to determine how much air my lungs were able to hold. A person of my size should be able to hit 450 minimum on the gage, and I got up to 330 on my best try. So, they discovered that my lungs had to be pretty inflamed for me to be that bad. And, of course, we're not sure why they are so inflamed, they said that I could either be coming down with a virus, or more then likely I am allergic to something that I have been exposed to recently. So I was given a new med, but unfortunately, it won't take full effect for about 3 days... so in the mean time I'm still stuck with my old inhaler, and having issues breathing. As long as I take it easy though, it hopefully shouldn't be too bad. 

Mood:  Pretty good. I'm tired and my house isn't clean enough, and I don't feel good enough to clean it, so it's frustrating me :) 

Planning: Trying to get my house situated, getting a playlist together for birth, teaching my husband some massage tricks to help me through labor, things like that :) Also trying to get all my appointments in order, lol! That's a job in itself! I am now going to start going to the doctor every week, my chiropractor every week, and physical therapy twice a week, not to mention I would really like to start getting a massage every week because I know how beneficial that can be :) Oh, and then there's Mom Group that started, and regular life to try to plan around :) 

Advice: Hmm... nothing that I can remember... except to take it easy :) 

Dreams: Nothing I can remember...  

Baby Size: About the size of a coconut :)  

Cute Stuff: This morning Gabriel was singing to the baby because Josh asked him if he wanted too. Se he gets really close to my belly, then belts out 'every party has a pooper, and it's baby! hahahahaha!' Little stinker :) Also, Gabriel is quite impatient for the little guy to come out... and so am I! I've had enough of being sore, or having my PSD problems, and I'm ready for him to get here! After my house gets clean, that is ;) 

Other events of the week: We had Gabriel's big birthday party! It was lots of fun! We went to The Edge Waterpark in Duluth, and then out to our house for dinner, cake, and presents :) His cousins, Brendyn and Tyvan, also got to spend the night at our house, and all the boys slept on the living room floor, ate popcorn, and watched a movie. They thought it was pretty awesome :) 

33 Weeks!

Cravings: Nothing really. 

Symptoms: Pain, soreness, my pubic symphysis disorder is coming back :( Oh, and pregnancy brain! If you ask me something about what I did a week ago, there is a good chance I won't be able to recall what I did... heck, ask me what I did 5 minutes ago, I probably couldn't tell ya! 

Complaints: Pain, soreness, and that my pubic symphysis is coming back :( 

Weight gain: Hmm... I think I'm at 0lbs. I weighed myself a few days ago, and I was at -3lbs, but today I was at 0lbs. Now, I know I can fluctuate a lot, and that's totally possible, but I also know from my last two pregnancies, that in the last 10 weeks I can really 'pack on' the pounds... so I'll probably check again in a few days and see what it is :) 

Movement: Of course! He's a strong little monkey! 

Doctor appointment results: Everything looks good! 

Mood:  Good, a little stressed, but good :) 

Planning: Trying to get my house situated. 

Advice: My PT told me I should probably stop doing massage soon... and I was already thinking the same thing since my PSD came back. So I'm going to try to do it for two more weeks, and after that, more then likely, I will be beginning my maternity leave early. 

Dreams: Nothing too crazy! 

Baby Size: The size of a durian... whatever that is! He's apparently a little over 4lbs and about 17.5 inches long :) 

Cute Stuff: Gabriel keeps asking what the babies name is going to be :) He would LOVE it if we named the baby 'Gabriel' haha! 

Other events of the week: Gabriel had a birthday! Our oldest is now a big FIVE YEARS OLD! Ah!!!  How did that happen? He had such a fun birthday! He gets to have a birthday party this year as well, so next Saturday we will do that. So for his birthday we just kept things small, celebrating as just us :) It was a wonderful day though and Gabriel had so much fun and I know he felt special all day! Eli was kinda upset that it wasn't his birthday, and the boys argued about whose birthday it was more then once, but it was still fun!