I feel like so much has happened in the last few weeks with adoption, I don't even know where to start. I've been reflecting on this past year, from the beginning when we felt called to adopt to now when things have become so real, and things are actually starting.
I realized that for many, it might not make sense why it took so long to get going. We had realized that God was calling us to adopt at the end of February of this last year. At first we thought that we would just take a few months to save month and then start, but slowly we felt like we should start. At the same time, we couldn't start, per say. Ebola was still in Sierra Leone, and had shut down the entire country. There was also only one organization who was doing adoptions in Sierra Leone and they were entirely backed up because of Ebola shutting everything down. Looking back now, I can realize that when God said 'start' and it didn't make any sense, what he was really doing throughout the whole thing was preparing our hearts.
The agency we had hoped to work with, had said to call back in May, then in July, then September, ect ect. Nothing was moving, no one was getting their kids through the system, is what we had been told, so they just told us to wait. In the mean time, we had started to get to know two kids in an orphanage in Sierra Leone through sponsorship. We had fallen in love with them, and we had called the agency multiple times asking about these two kids, but every time we were told to wait, but never giving the impression that these kids might not be adoptable.
So we kept going, hoping, pursing. We guarded our hearts, for the 'just in case' it might not happen, but whole heartedly praying it would. So we continued to get to know the kids, and they, us. See, in Sierra Leone, part of the countries adoption laws is you have to have an established relationship for 6 months with your children before you can adopt... so we were hoping that our relationship with the kids would grow, and that even though we were being told 'wait' by the agency, it was still a way to be in the process to adopt them.
We had gotten really excited a few weeks ago, with some news that lifted our spirits about adopting these two kids (who will remain nameless, for their sake), with hope that the process might finally actually start! We were so excited, and in so doing, flung our hearts wide open. We had guarded them for so long, and we felt like it was finally ok to dream and hope for these two kids.
Within days, our dreams and hopes ended. Although the agency had every opportunity to tell us over the last 6 months that these two kids were not adoptable, knowing we wanted to adopt them, knowing we were pursing a relationship with them, they didn't, even though the information was right in front of them the entire time. In a way, knowingly given us false hope for months. We were heartbroken.
We didn't know what we were feeling. There was so much that happened in a 3 day time period, and we weren't even sure if we could process what was going on. We were in the middle of our snowmen fundraiser, we had finally filled out our home study application and sent it in... and all the sudden, it just all felt like we were doing it for nothing. And when I say that, I don't mean that investing in the kids was for nothing. Josh and I actually still talk to them, and write them, even though we know we won't be able to adopt them. The relationship is what is important, and we want these kids to always know that no matter what, we are still in their corner cheering them on, loving them, and supporting them. I just mean that we felt we had started a process for nothing... with no outcome.
But the thing is, God is funny. No, there was nothing funny about our situation by any means, and lots of tears had been shed. But throughout the past year, God has made it very clear that he wants us to walk the path of adoption. He told us to sell our house so we could have a bigger place to adopt kids and a place that would cost less, and he sold our house without us ever trying. He provided a gigantic home for us, that just so happens to be an old church, with ample room for lots of kids, and happened to cost way less. He has had random people jump into our lives, giving us words of encouragement, gifts, even random funds that we never asked for, never expected, and each time nudging us down the path to being a forever family. Even when everything was 'hitting the fan' with such force that no one knew what was going on, God kept reassuring us through it all that it was ok, that He had this thing, no matter what the outcome. And when we suddenly were at a loss, He was still saying 'this has not been for nothing.'
Josh and I were sitting in the library one night after we had been told we wouldn't be able to adopt these two kids, and we sat praying. I looked at him, and said, 'babe, call me crazy, because I know that it would be so much easier to adopt from a different country, but I feel like my heart is in Sierra Leone. I feel a pull, a need, an ache in my heart that this is where God wants us. I feel like we're supposed to adopt from there... and I know it makes no sense.' But he looked at me, and said he felt the same way.
So we are continuing. Within days, we got accepted into a 'Pilot' Program for adoption in Sierra Leone, meaning it's new, but the people heading it up we know are awesome, and they have been connected with the country for 10 years, having lived there at one point (Hi Juli!), and also we don't have to go through the old agency (yay!).
So here we are, our hearts open, and a little raw. God has a way of using times like these to change people, and mold them into something new... so we are standing here, with God's hand deep in our lives, letting him form us into something new.
We still hope to adopt a sibling group of 2-3 kids. We have our own kids, and see their bond, and if there is a way we can preserve that in another family by keeping kids together who have already lost so much, then we whole heartedly will.
We should be matched with kids sometime between now and mid-end of February. And once we get our referral, one of us (me) will fly to Sierra Leone to meet the kids and to spend two weeks getting to know them, and to start building a relationship with them. We will get to skype and exchange letters after I get back to the States, to continue building the connection so as to not only satisfy country adoption laws, but also make it easier for everyone when they come home and build that love and support system.
So there you have the update on our adoption. We still talk too/skype the kids that we had hoped to adopt, and yes, it hurts deeply when we have to say goodbye and I can't tell them how much we wanted to bring them home. Instead they will always just know us as cool 'Auntie & Uncle' who love them very much. And we stand here, letting God change the course of this adoption, following his lead, trusting in his good and perfect plan, and going headfirst into this adoption. I wrote here "How do you tell someone 'where' you are in the process, because you're on this journey, with sharp bends, corners, hills, and valleys, and when you've taken the first step on this journey, you don't know how long it is, what it's like, where it goes... so you never know 'where' you are, you just know that you are where God has you." And I feel as though we've never been off of our adoption path, we've always been on it. We just didn't know where the road was taking us, and we still don't. But we know that God has taught us much, and has already changed our hearts deeply, and he has us on the part of the path that he wants us to be on, and in that we will find peace!
The Sunday after everything happened, Josh and I had been invited to talk about what God was doing in our lives at church. Although it was hard, our adoption story was so much apart of what God was doing that neither of us felt right about leaving it out. So we talked about Éveiller House, and then had our pastor read this letter that I wrote about our adoption as it was too hard for me to talk about:
These past two weeks has been emotional, with highs and deep
lows. I have spent the last couple of days trying to process what we’re
thinking and how we are feeling, and I think I can finally describe what is going on in our hearts, and finally understand it myself.
I realized that for many, it might not make sense why it took so long to get going. We had realized that God was calling us to adopt at the end of February of this last year. At first we thought that we would just take a few months to save month and then start, but slowly we felt like we should start. At the same time, we couldn't start, per say. Ebola was still in Sierra Leone, and had shut down the entire country. There was also only one organization who was doing adoptions in Sierra Leone and they were entirely backed up because of Ebola shutting everything down. Looking back now, I can realize that when God said 'start' and it didn't make any sense, what he was really doing throughout the whole thing was preparing our hearts.
The agency we had hoped to work with, had said to call back in May, then in July, then September, ect ect. Nothing was moving, no one was getting their kids through the system, is what we had been told, so they just told us to wait. In the mean time, we had started to get to know two kids in an orphanage in Sierra Leone through sponsorship. We had fallen in love with them, and we had called the agency multiple times asking about these two kids, but every time we were told to wait, but never giving the impression that these kids might not be adoptable.
So we kept going, hoping, pursing. We guarded our hearts, for the 'just in case' it might not happen, but whole heartedly praying it would. So we continued to get to know the kids, and they, us. See, in Sierra Leone, part of the countries adoption laws is you have to have an established relationship for 6 months with your children before you can adopt... so we were hoping that our relationship with the kids would grow, and that even though we were being told 'wait' by the agency, it was still a way to be in the process to adopt them.
We had gotten really excited a few weeks ago, with some news that lifted our spirits about adopting these two kids (who will remain nameless, for their sake), with hope that the process might finally actually start! We were so excited, and in so doing, flung our hearts wide open. We had guarded them for so long, and we felt like it was finally ok to dream and hope for these two kids.
Within days, our dreams and hopes ended. Although the agency had every opportunity to tell us over the last 6 months that these two kids were not adoptable, knowing we wanted to adopt them, knowing we were pursing a relationship with them, they didn't, even though the information was right in front of them the entire time. In a way, knowingly given us false hope for months. We were heartbroken.
We didn't know what we were feeling. There was so much that happened in a 3 day time period, and we weren't even sure if we could process what was going on. We were in the middle of our snowmen fundraiser, we had finally filled out our home study application and sent it in... and all the sudden, it just all felt like we were doing it for nothing. And when I say that, I don't mean that investing in the kids was for nothing. Josh and I actually still talk to them, and write them, even though we know we won't be able to adopt them. The relationship is what is important, and we want these kids to always know that no matter what, we are still in their corner cheering them on, loving them, and supporting them. I just mean that we felt we had started a process for nothing... with no outcome.
But the thing is, God is funny. No, there was nothing funny about our situation by any means, and lots of tears had been shed. But throughout the past year, God has made it very clear that he wants us to walk the path of adoption. He told us to sell our house so we could have a bigger place to adopt kids and a place that would cost less, and he sold our house without us ever trying. He provided a gigantic home for us, that just so happens to be an old church, with ample room for lots of kids, and happened to cost way less. He has had random people jump into our lives, giving us words of encouragement, gifts, even random funds that we never asked for, never expected, and each time nudging us down the path to being a forever family. Even when everything was 'hitting the fan' with such force that no one knew what was going on, God kept reassuring us through it all that it was ok, that He had this thing, no matter what the outcome. And when we suddenly were at a loss, He was still saying 'this has not been for nothing.'
Josh and I were sitting in the library one night after we had been told we wouldn't be able to adopt these two kids, and we sat praying. I looked at him, and said, 'babe, call me crazy, because I know that it would be so much easier to adopt from a different country, but I feel like my heart is in Sierra Leone. I feel a pull, a need, an ache in my heart that this is where God wants us. I feel like we're supposed to adopt from there... and I know it makes no sense.' But he looked at me, and said he felt the same way.
So we are continuing. Within days, we got accepted into a 'Pilot' Program for adoption in Sierra Leone, meaning it's new, but the people heading it up we know are awesome, and they have been connected with the country for 10 years, having lived there at one point (Hi Juli!), and also we don't have to go through the old agency (yay!).
So here we are, our hearts open, and a little raw. God has a way of using times like these to change people, and mold them into something new... so we are standing here, with God's hand deep in our lives, letting him form us into something new.
We still hope to adopt a sibling group of 2-3 kids. We have our own kids, and see their bond, and if there is a way we can preserve that in another family by keeping kids together who have already lost so much, then we whole heartedly will.
We should be matched with kids sometime between now and mid-end of February. And once we get our referral, one of us (me) will fly to Sierra Leone to meet the kids and to spend two weeks getting to know them, and to start building a relationship with them. We will get to skype and exchange letters after I get back to the States, to continue building the connection so as to not only satisfy country adoption laws, but also make it easier for everyone when they come home and build that love and support system.
So there you have the update on our adoption. We still talk too/skype the kids that we had hoped to adopt, and yes, it hurts deeply when we have to say goodbye and I can't tell them how much we wanted to bring them home. Instead they will always just know us as cool 'Auntie & Uncle' who love them very much. And we stand here, letting God change the course of this adoption, following his lead, trusting in his good and perfect plan, and going headfirst into this adoption. I wrote here "How do you tell someone 'where' you are in the process, because you're on this journey, with sharp bends, corners, hills, and valleys, and when you've taken the first step on this journey, you don't know how long it is, what it's like, where it goes... so you never know 'where' you are, you just know that you are where God has you." And I feel as though we've never been off of our adoption path, we've always been on it. We just didn't know where the road was taking us, and we still don't. But we know that God has taught us much, and has already changed our hearts deeply, and he has us on the part of the path that he wants us to be on, and in that we will find peace!
The Sunday after everything happened, Josh and I had been invited to talk about what God was doing in our lives at church. Although it was hard, our adoption story was so much apart of what God was doing that neither of us felt right about leaving it out. So we talked about Éveiller House, and then had our pastor read this letter that I wrote about our adoption as it was too hard for me to talk about:
Adoption Miscarriage
This past week, we were told the one thing that could break our heart in two in this adoption that we have been pursuing. I've been in denial, trying to focus my attention elsewhere, and I've had moments where the emotions want to come to the surface, and I shove them down, unwilling to go where it hurts too much to think about.
See, back in 2012, Josh and I experienced the pain of losing a child. We had hoped to get pregnant, and when we found out I was, we were elated, and as one does when they are expecting a child, you immediately start to dream of what their life is going to be like, who they will become, and how it will change your family forever. Then one day, it's gone.
It changes in an instant, all those hopes and all those dreams, come crashing in all around you, and you are powerless to change what is happening, and what is now your reality. You loved your child, even for the short time they were yours, and you miss them, you long for them, and your heart hurts without them.
So in the past weeks, when we found out that these children whom we have gotten to know, whom we love, and who we longed for to be apart of our family, may actually be apart of our family one day... we were elated. We had been guarding our hearts for 6 months, never fully embracing the possibility of them being ours, and with joy we flung our hearts wide open, embracing them, and all of our hopes and dreams of them being apart of this family.
Then, as when you have a miscarriage, things start happening, and you have no control over what is going on, and you question if this is real or if this is just a scare, and you have a million questions that you don't have the answers too, nor have any control over what those answers may be. And in a few split seconds, all of our hopes and dreams, were simply gone. These kids that we have hoped to bring into this family, will never be apart of this family.
The reasons are messy, the situation is messy, and we don't understand all the answers. We hope and pray that the reasons given to us are right and true, and that there is a family planned for this brother and sister who will love and support them. And in that, Josh and I have chosen to find peace that there is a far greater plan for these children, even if it is not with us.
Unlike our miscarriage, that ended with our child in heaven, our adoption miscarriage ends in an entirely different way. But in a way, they are still the same. There is pain, there is mourning, and just as our heaven baby rests in the arms of our Father in heaven, these two children we have longed for, rest in the same arms, but He still has a plan for them here on this earth.
Every year, Josh and I hang an ornament on our tree, of two small ice skates, in memory of the child I carried in my womb, and hold each other as the tears fall in remembrance. And now we shall hang two more, in remembrance of the children we carried in our hearts, and hopefully, if all comes to pass as it should, smile one day, knowing they are with a different family who loves them.
We know we have been called to adoption. That calling has been clear, and we will not stop. God has a funny way of redirecting things to His good and His amazing glory, and we trust that His hand is in this, and will continue to be in it as we walk this winding path of many unknowns to be a forever family to children who do not have one.
Thank you for your love and support.
Josh & Kayla
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