...be the person...

I want to write about something that has been on my heart lately. I understand, I don’t share the same opinions as everyone else. I may get a lot of flack for writing this, and that’s ok, maybe somewhere this will help someone, and that’s what matters.

As some of you know, my husband, Josh, and I were separated over 4 years ago for about 8 months. We never made it ‘facebook knowledge’, but anyone who was in our lives at the time knew about it, and we actually don’t have a problem talking about it with people now. We believe that we went through something, we grew from it, we learned a lot, and we should help others because of it.

There are people who still don’t like us to talk about it. They get uncomfortable and like to chant their secret, perfect cry of ‘shame, shame, shame.’ Oh, they may not loudly, obviously, show their disproval, but it is obvious to us, when they cut us off from sharing our story with others in the room, or the second you start talking, they give you, or their partner the disapproving look, or bow their head in embarrassment for you. We’ve seen it so many times, but it’s not their story… it’s ours.

So, what is this ‘thing’ that is pressing me? Unfortunately, in our day and time, it’s not uncommon for couples to split. I’ve known a few who have done so, all under different circumstances, and although each has a different story, I’ve noticed a pattern from people who know said couples.

From my experience, people always blame the person who leaves first. See, no matter the reason that is given for why they left, they will always be at fault in the eyes of the majority of people who know them. Maybe this is just in the Christian church, I’m not 100% certain, but from what I’ve watched and experienced, the leaver will always be at fault instead of the one left, because it’s just a big no-no.

Was their spouse being a jerk? Doesn’t matter, you left, you’re at fault. You should have stayed.

Was their spouse physically abusive? Doesn’t matter, you still left. You said ‘I do’ so suck it up, buttercup. It’s called counseling.

Was your spouse verbally abusive? Controlling? Oh sad. You left, it’s your fault. Don’t be such a pansy.

Or my favorite.. ‘Oh, so YOU left?!?! Well, what are YOU in to? Or should we say ‘WHO’ are you in too?’ (… just, please… stick it where the sun don’t shine. Sorry… but, not really…)

I know, it sounds ridiculous, right?!?! But it’s not far from the truth. I’ve witnessed it over and over again, and it drives me crazy!

Ok, so maybe it wasn’t good thing for them to leave, maybe they should have stayed, and you can clearly see that and are wondering why the hell they would have walked out the door. I mean, don’t they get what a big mistake they are making, how good they have it?  Really, if I would have had their spouse, I mean, goodness, they're amazing… what dirt bags for leaving… right?!?!

Can I say something to you? From the deepest part of my heart… IT DOESN’T MATTER!!!!

Oh. I just hit a nerve. Sorry… but, again, not really.

See, it doesn’t matter WHY they left… you know what this couple needs from you? SUPPORT! They don’t need you to analyze their problems, believe me, plenty of people are already doing that for them, and if not, believe me, they have already done it themselves for far longer then you even knew that there was a problem in their marriage!

You want to know what they REALLY DO NOT need? For YOU, yes YOU, the one who hasn’t lived with them day in and day out, who hasn’t known ever deepest, darkest secret of their marriage, who hasn’t been there for every tear that was spilled in the dark bathroom in the middle of the night, for YOU to place the fault on ANYONE in the situation.

Can I just say that again? IT IS NOT UP TO YOU TO PLACE THE FAULT ON ANYONE, OR TO CHANT YOUR PERFECT CRY OF SHAME FROM YOUR PERFECT CORNER!!!

So here is the thing… you aren’t going to fully understand why one spouse left the other. Even if it is so clear to you (who doesn’t live in their life, btw) what the problem is, believe me, you don’t get it.

Take Josh and I for instance. I left Josh. It was when our second child was about 10 months old.  

Josh is a quiet man to everybody on the outside, even at home he's not one to fill in the silence. Because of his quiet nature, no one would ever think of him to be causing any issue. To the rest of the world, I’m the loud one, I’m the opinionated one, I’m the one with all the ability to cause problems, not Josh.

No one, not even myself, knew that I was suffering from Post Partum Depression.

Oh, believe me, that was not our only problem, but that was a huge reason why I did what I did. See, PPD plays with you. You don’t even realize it. It’s playing a game with your mind that you don’t know you’re playing, and it’s made up all the rules; it’s always winning. Small things become much bigger; hurtful words are that much more painful; fights are that much more debilitating. Some people think it only affects how you feel towards your kids, but that’s not the case. It affects everything, and sometimes, it doesn’t affect anything to do with your children. I loved my kids; they were my everything.

But I kept feeling like I needed to escape. Not my kids, but my tiny apartment that was suffocating me, and my husband, who, no matter how hard I tried to talk to him, didn’t want to talk. He’s a man of few words, talking about feelings isn’t helpful… to him, it’s a waste of perfectly good air. I would try to talk about how I felt, and he would walk away saying he had no time for ‘this crap’ and that it was a waste or he’d rather sleep. Worse, my husband wasn’t entirely born with the sympathetic or filtration gene… what that means is: he made horrible jokes about sensitive issues, and those sensitive issues being me, or things I cared deeply about. He thought they were funny and playful and only slightly inappropriate: I thought they were mean and vicious. There were plenty of other things as well, of course, but you get the point. We had problems.

To make a long story short, small things started to manifest in my mind due to the PPD, and the things that actually were big grew into giant monsters that took over. Josh grew to hate me, and hated his life and his job. He had wanted to leave me, long before I had ever left him, but he said ‘I decided I was going to force myself love you.’ Which, in the end, meant tolerate, not love. I didn’t know which way was up or which way was down, and I was easily persuaded by those who thought they had all the answers. I needed help, and I needed out.

So I left. I took the kids, and I was afraid, and I left. His joking, which to him was fine, scared me. I was afraid. I left. But…

Oh, how people hated me. And…

Oh, how people talked behind my back.

I am pretty sure I was the most hated woman in Minnesota because I took my kids and left my husband. My, to the rest of the world, perfect, quiet, never causing an issue, husband.

And oh, to people, how I left Josh was the worst. Forget that in my mind, all I could think of was my kids and caring for them, and their safety, and that in my mind my husband had turned into a giant monster. Oh no… I didn’t leave with enough ‘class.’ I didn’t leave with enough ‘here honey, let me clean everything for you and make you supper for a few days so you can get by while I’m away as a good wife should do.’ And I most certainly didn’t leave with enough grace. Nope. See, I never knew that there were so many different levels of ‘leaving’ you could f*ck up… apparently, there are a lot!

See when I needed people the most, there were only a few… or like, two. Everyone else wanted to throw in their opinion, and cry ‘shame’ over me. No one saw what had gone on, or why. No one knew what I was suffering with… heck, I didn’t even know! No one knew a thing about what was going on… but only a few stood by, and the rest joined the nay sayers.

Can I just say, the pain from being abandoned in your greatest time of need by those closest to you, is more painful, more heartbreaking, cuts deeper, and is harder to bear, then 90% of the stuff your spouse could have ever put you through.

You’ll NEVER know all the reasons someone left. You’ll never know if everything they said is the truth, or everything their spouse said was the truth. You know what? Maybe their spouse does beat them… maybe they don’t. Maybe their spouse did cheat on them… maybe they didn’t. Maybe their spouse says horrible, mean things to them or doesn’t care… maybe not. Maybe they are suffering from a mental illness called depression. You won’t know… you’ll never know exactly. It doesn’t matter.

Do you want to know what matters? You. You being there for them. You choosing not to talk behind their backs. You choosing to stand by them and figure it out together. You praying for them. You choosing them for who they are and not the choice that they are making.

Do you want to know what else matters? Them. The one who left. They’ve gone through a lot. They don’t need to go through more. They might have been through hell; you don’t need to stoke the fire. They may not realize left from right, or up from down, but you don’t need to spin them in circles and scream ‘shame’ at them as they try to straighten it out. They matter. Their feelings matter. What they say matters.

So, stop talking behind their backs. Try standing beside them, and talking too them. Never leave, never stop talking, never point the finger. If they trusted you enough to let you know what was going on, then you sure as hell better stand with them, and love them. That doesn’t mean agreeing with them, it means being in it together to figure things out.

A few months ago, I spoke with a lady who had a similar situation as mine, and had left. From everything I had known, from all ‘the talk’ that was going on around me, I thought she had a good support system, people talking to her, loving her, being there for her.

She didn’t. All ‘the talk’ was a lot of talk about what ‘should be’ done, but no one actually did anything.

Let me tell you… I sobbed.

I didn’t know the whole story, I didn’t need to know. What I know, is that through God, you can forgive, and forgive, and forgive, but you never fully forgot the pain of being alone in your darkest hour. God lessens it, but you’ll never fully forget. I knew the pain, and I sobbed for all those times for her that there was no one to talk too, no one to lean on, no one to just hug and cry with. And I cried, and actually still cry, because by association with ones who hurt her, I can never be that person for her.

Be the person. Just be the person. Get off of the high horse you want to put yourself on because you would never x,y & z, just be the person. I can promise you a couple of things if you will just be there.

One, I can promise you that they will make far better decisions if they have a support person. Thankfully, Josh nor I ever fell into looking for love in wrong places when we were separated, we both found it in God. But those who don’t find it in God, will more then likely find it in someone or something else which will lead them into deeper, darker places then they could ever imagine. I’ve seen it. Those ‘rescuers’ will say they love and respect your friend… but they don’t love them, nor respect them. They use them to make themselves feel better, and call it love. They ‘care for’ and ‘protect’ your friend who is still married by moving in with them and filling the void of a spouse, and call it respect. That’s not respect, that’s disgracing everything he or she is. Be someone, so they don’t go looking for a someone or a something to numb the pain.

Two, they will never, ever forget the few people who stood with them, whether they agree with them or not. They will never forget, that when they were alone, someone cared, someone didn’t judge, someone listened, someone stayed.

Be someone, be the person.

*Josh and I have since (obviously) gotten back together after a lot of change in both of us. We are just like any other normal married couple, we are far from perfect, and argue about silly things, and tease and poke fun of each other all the time. We love each more now then we ever have, and understand each other much more then ever. Plus, the make-up sex ain't so bad either...