38 Weeks

Cravings: Hmm.. The only thing that I can think of that I 'craved' this week was caramel. I've never boughten a bag of Wether Original Chewy Caramels before.... but I did this week. And let me tell you, they were sooooo GOOOOOD!!!!!! 

Symptoms: Nesting :) My house is slowly getting clean, yay!!!!

Complaints: Pain in all sorts of places we just don't want to talk about ;) And, I officially waddle :(

Weight gain: Same as last week, about 5lbs. 

Movement: Yes, though it's kind of slowed down quite a bit. He hardly moved yesterday, and today he has also been calmer. 

Doctor appointment results: Same as last week, baby is doing well and all the numbers are still the same, which I'm ok with because I know it doesn't really matter :) Though, I did leave the doctors office crying, but we'll get to that. 

Mood:  TIRED! We all seem to be coming down with another cold. The kids have had it for a little while and are getting better, but Josh and I seem to just be getting it and I'm not very thrilled about that. He snored all night last night from the cold, so I didn't get any sleep and then woke up with a sore throat. Now my sinuses are starting to feel worse, and I can feel it more and more in my throat. I really REALLY don't want to be sick when I go into labor! 

Planning: So, after today, I have to wrap my head around a few things, and it's hard. First of all, yes, I am attempting a VBAC. Secondly, I know that a c-section is still possible, even though it's not what I want, I know that there is that chance. So, going into the final trimester, the only thing that gave me peace about labor and possibly having a c-section, is that I was told that, now, unlike when I had my other two kids, they keep the baby with the mother the entire time after surgery instead of separating the two. 

Well today, I was told differently. I found out that they only do this IF they have enough staff on hand, and you won't know if they will have enough staff on hand until the time comes. If they don't have enough staff, they will still take your baby away from you after birth for however long it takes them to finish things and however long you have to be in recovery. When I asked if I could demand the baby stay with me, I was told that they have to follow their policies first. 

With Eli, I was in recovery for four hours. FOUR HOURS. I didn't get to see my baby, hold my baby, bond with my baby, NOTHING. He was taken away, and I didn't see him at all. I know that some women don't have a huge issue with this, but I do! You carry a baby in your womb for 9 months, and then all the sudden, they are surgically removed from you, then all you get to do is kiss their face for one second before they are taken away. And you have no idea how long it's going to be before you see them, you don't know what's happening to them, nothing. You're left, alone, strapped down Jesus style, to a table, while they patch you back together and you get to listen to them talk about their weekend or where which organ goes where, and all you want to do is hold your baby. Honestly, surgery sucks. It sucks for your body. It hurts like hell to recover. If you're allergic to anesthetics like I am, it sucks even more. You freak out. You cry. You live with it forever. It sucks. But not matter how much it sucks, nothing sucks, and is as hard, as having your baby taken away from you right after birth. At least for me. You miss out on the first hours of your babies life... it SUCKS! So, knowing that my baby was going to stay with me, if I had to have a c-section, was the ONLY thing that gave me peace about going into labor. Knowing that, no matter what, if I got to have my VBAC or have a cesarean, I would at least get to be with my baby, I mean, it sounded like heaven. But today, the only peace I had about giving birth, was taken away, and now, I don't know if I'll get to see him or hold him after delivery and it freaks me out. I can't go through that again. I just can't. 

So today, I left the doctor's office in tears. It sucks. 

Josh and I talked in the parking lot at the doctors, and he, like so many other people, keep telling me that 'everything is going to be ok' and that I 'don't have to worry because I am going to get to have a VBAC' and everything is going to be 'just fine'.... and to be honest, I kinda flipped out. I know he, and others, are trying to be positive and encouraging, but they were the same way when I went in to have my VBAC with Eli... and I still ended up with a c-section. I know the power of asshole (sorry!) doctors. I know the power of pushy medical staff. I've been through it before. I know the ability of a doctor who can scare you into doing what they want, even if it's not the best for you, but because it's the best for them. I know that just because I plan a VBAC, it doesn't mean that it's going to happen. Believe me, I know! I've been through it! I've spent this entire pregnancy coming to terms with all of it and decided that no matter what happens, as long as I get to be with my baby, it would all be ok.... but now that's not a guaranteed thing either. Ugh. I'm just so frustrated. Not with people being positive about it, I appreciate them trying to make me feel better . No, I'm just so frustrated with the entire situation, with everything that has happened with my other deliveries that shouldn't have ever happened, with being told one thing and now another. Frustrated with preparing this entire pregnancy for something, and finding a glimmer of hope in the mess, and now not having it. Just so frustrated! 

Dreams: Still having lots of dreams about labor. 

Baby Size: About the size of a watermelon.  

Other events of the week: Nothing much. Took my own maternity pictures with a tripod and my camera the other night. Here are just a couple...